Season Ten: Week Three

One of the beautiful things about sports is the ability to find hope. Each new season begins with everyone on a level playing field. 0–0. And every team, for at least a few weeks, believes that they can win it all – however irrational that belief may be. Even when your favorite team may be perennial doormats, there still is a small ray of hope that things may change THIS time. Take a quick glance at Major league baseball (if you have to). The Tampa Bay Rays were the laughing stock of the league. For years, they had the worst record in the toughest division. However, between the hiring of a quirky manager, with his old-school glasses and strange love of plaid, and the benefit of a great farm system the team has joined the elite of the league. Even after losing several of their big-name stars to richer teams, they are right back in the playoff hunt this year. With the beginning of football season, fans across the country embrace the hope again. This year will be different. This year we can contend.

Of course, within a few weeks, this hope is usually dashed. FSU fans realize that they have entered the Notre Dame zone. If their team has even a glimmer of talent the national sportswriters fall all over themselves and overrank them. Reality sets in after back-to-back losses. Even the most devout Seminole fan must admit that by losing to Clemson you cannot claim that you are “finally back.” UCF fans entered the year hoping that last year's success could be translated into making the leap to a legitimate program. After whipping two subpar teams, the Knights looked very good. After two stupid losses on the road, fans had to recognize that they don't belong in an elite conference—and time has run out. Eagles fans had to come to grips with the fact that they hitched their full success on the back of Michael Vick, a quarterback who has never played a full season uninjured.

But there still are the success stories–the ones that continue to breed hope. For every Indianapolis Colts, there is a Detroit Lions. For every Miami Dolphins fan who watched their team be destroyed by Tom Brady and the Patriots, there is a Buffalo Bills fan who watched their team destroy him. For every Mississippi State and Michigan State, there is a South Florida and Oklahoma State. And so the cycle of hope goes on. But probably not for you.

A Brief Word From the Commish


The collapse came early this year, didn't it? Normally this blog is kept up-to-date until about week 13. It starts to get shaky about the same time that my team does. I know I probably raised expectations for a more consistent schedule since this is our 10th anniversary. Boy, I proved that wrong. I tried to explain some of this the other day on my regular blog.  I've been going through a lot. Blah blah blah. This week is an attempt to try to get back on track. It probably is not as thorough as it should be. But at least it's something.

To be completely honest, I have barely kept up with my fantasy teams at all. In my other league, we start two quarterbacks every week. I used the 1st selection in my draft on Michael Vick. In the 5th round, I chose Peyton Manning. As a throwaway security measure in round 16, I selected Cam Newton. I figured I had dodged a bullet when Manning went down since I could put in Newton. Imagine my glee when Newton proved to be a fantasy bonanza. To get me back, the fantasy football powers that be decided to make Michael Vick a human voodoo doll. Now I'm starting Tavaris Jackson. He was the best option. Seriously. What kind of world do we live in where Tavaris Jackson is a starting quarterback on any sane person's fantasy league? Needless to say my team sucks in that league.

But this isn't about THAT league.  No one cares about THAT league.  (Except for Duly Warned, Urban Plunge, and Orlando Blundered who also play in THAT league.  But that is neither here nor there.)  We all care about the STAPLES FOOTBALL LEAGUE.  And we want some news from the STAPLES FOOTBALL LEAGUE.  So, I will attempt to get off of my emotional couch and make myself metaphysically useful for a minute.  On to the news!!!

Staples Football League News

This year has already been a bizarre one.  Our defending champ, Gator Greats, has taken up residence in the sewer that his namesake animal allegedly prefers.  Da Bus, at 3-0, is perched at the top of the rankings - our very own life sized replica of the Detroit Lions.  In fact, our rankings are just as caddywampus as the NFL.  The top three teams (Da Bus, Queen City Noles, Orlando Blundered) are usually battling the nicer bunks in the basement.  Instead, they are sitting pretty with a combined record of 7-2.  They are closely followed by perennial powerhouses Bloodthirsty Ferrets, Stickboy, and Duly Warned - all spotting identical 2-1 records.  As they always say, it is a long season.  And a lot can happen.  Remember, the Pittsburgh Pirates and Kansas City Royals have led their divisions in the spring over the last decade.  But the long cruel season has a way of revealing a team's true colors.

(That entire argument can be nullified by the fact the New Orleans Saints won the Super Bowl two years ago.  Ten year old me would never believe that.)

• Last week's Ferrets vs Gators matchup was one of those ones that just don't seem right.  The final score was 99.45 to 99.40.  You know what that difference is?  One yard.  One freaking passing yard.  It isn't some long touchdown or some incredible finger tip interception or a kickoff return.  It is the fact that some ref randomly placed the ball a couple of inches different on a completed Cam Newton pass.  That was all written to make Gator Greats feel worse than he already does.
• If you look at the Points For and Points Against categories, it looks like our league is pretty evenly matched.  There isn't a huge discrepancy between those two stats like in years past.  Of course, the year is young.  Plenty of time for blowouts.  
• Hey, remember when it used to be common Fantasy Football knowledge that the way to win was to overload your draft with running backs?  In Monkey's first year, that was how he "rigged the draft."  This year?  Nine of the top ten players in our league are Quarterbacks.  The tenth is Wes Welker.  Fifteen of the top twenty are QBs.  Something to think about.
• Michael Vick is ranked 29th this year, after being first last year.  He's three spots below Rex Grossman and one spot above Jason Campbell.  

Here's one other thing I wanted to run by you guys about the draft.  Every year for the last seven or eight years, we have done a random draft.  The computer assigns the order.  But, every year I get accused of rigging the draft to my benefit.  I somehow won "best draft" this year from Yahoo! - which I still don't understand their criteria.  We have never done anything like keeper league or carrying anything over from year to year.  Is that something you guys want us to do?  Should we have keeper players starting next year?  Should year end ranking determine draft status?  There really is no reward for winning the league - should that team automatically get first pick?  Should we have rankings from this year serve as draft order next year?  Can I fit more questions into this?  Feel free to contribute your opinions via the comments on this blog or the league message board or the facebook chain.

Well, it wasn't much.  But at least it was something.  Hopefully next week will be a little better.  Each week I will strive to improve.  By week 12, my goal is for this to be a the high standards you have come to expect.  Then it will be all the more painful when I just stop again and never even act like the postseason happened.  Muuhuuhaahaahaa!!!

Official SFL Ruling on Waiver Violation(s)

CONTROVERSY!! UPROAR!! LEAGUE YEAR MUST BE OPEN!!!  WHY DO I KEEP SCREAMING??

Once again, the SFL league year kicked off with a truckload of controversy.  For those of you who weren't up at midnight on the mad dash to the waiver wire, here is a summary of what happened.

1. The commish announced via Facebook that the league would be opened on Thursday.  That means that the draft would commence on Thursday night.  In that same communication, the commish announced that the waiver wire would be opened for pickups on midnight, Friday night (as Friday turns into Saturday).  
2. This was clarified multiple times via Facebook on the ongoing chat dialogue between all teams.
3. This was not a new rule instituted this year.  In fact, it is a rule that has been in existence for many years - and one that has been the source of much contention for at least five teams over the years: Monkey, Odious Repercussions,  Stickboy, Tampa Bay Rams, and Orlando Blunder.
4. The draft happened, as planned on Thursday night.
5. At 5:15pm, Mrs Commish left for an overnight trauma call at ORMC, leaving The Commish home with the kids until the next morning.
6. At 6:00pm - six hours before the waivers were opened - Orlando Blunder added and dropped a bunch of players.
7. At 7:00pm, the youngest son of The Commish fell asleep and was gently laid in his bed.
8. At 10:15pm, the youngest son of The Commish woke up screaming with a nasty cough.  The Commish moved said child into The Commish's bed and he laid down with him to get him back to sleep.
9. Approximately 10:25pm, The Commish fell asleep.
10. At 11:59pm (Yahoo! time), Monkey made his first signing - one minute before the waiver wire opened.  
11. At 12:00am, The Commish's Facebook messaging blew up with multiple complaints by Stickboy, Odious Repercussions, and Monkey.
12. At 6:22am, The Commish was awaken by his youngest son.  Soon thereafter, Mrs Commish came home.  The Commish checked his phone and saw the uproar.
13. At 8:00am, Orlando Blunder checked in on the league page and explained his actions.

As the league has investigated this chain of events, they have found several mitigating factors that must be taken into account.  

• All of the communication about the draft and waivers were send out via Facebook.  But, NONE of it was posted on the league page.  This was a major failure on the part of The Commish.  
• Most people check their Facebook only slightly less frequently than they breathe.  However, some teams in our league do not.  And one team - Urban Plunge - does not even have a Facebook page. By strictly communicating via Facebook, The Commish unfairly left several teams out of the information circle.  These teams include: Tampa Bay Rams, Urban Plunge, Orlando Blunder.  
• The Commish was planning on being up at midnight to police the waiver signings.  He also planned on locking all the teams from making pickups until midnight.  However, he failed on both accounts.  He ended up falling asleep with his son, so he was not up for the waiver blitz.  And he forgot to change the settings, even though he got on Yahoo! to do just that early Friday morning.
• Orlando Blunder has been very diligent in checking the league page for weeks.  He and The Commish had talked about just that fact on Sunday at church.
• There is no posted clock on the Yahoo! page.

After taking this all into account, here are the league's findings.

• The Commish's ineptitude is reaching legendary status.  He consistently makes stupid decisions and fails to follow through on the simplest of tasks.  It is truly a miracle that his individual still is able to function in the civilized world.  Perhaps this begins to explain why he is such a mammoth failure as a human being, if he cannot control something like Fantasy Football.
• Orlando Blunder was operating in good faith based on the information at his disposal.  Something as important as the league draft and waiver rules should have been posted on all possible media sources - Facebook, League Yahoo! page, SFL blog.  To limit it to Facebook was discriminatory to several teams - and yet another example of The Commish's raging ineptitude.
• Monkey was not trying to circumvent the waiver process.  If he was, he would have moved before 11:59.  That can easily be written off to his computer being on a different clock.  
• Having a waiver wire open at midnight, while cute in its mimicking of the NFL, is actually quite a stupid decision.  It eliminates fair participation for people who have small children, people who have to wake up early, people who have social lives, and narcoleptics.  Again, the fault for this must be squarely placed on The Commish's shoulders.  

PENALTIES AND PLAYER DECISIONS

1. All transactions from yesterday's fiasco have been nullified.  All players have been returned to their original teams.  As a team owner, please check your roster to make sure you have the same rosters that was originally drafted.
2. The new opening of waiver transactions will be SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 2001 at 3:35pm.  Hopefully this will land in between everyone's church responsibilities on Sunday.  It should give you enough time to go to church and hear a stirring sermon, eat at Tijuana Flats or Sonny's with your close companions, get home and changed into your comfy sweats, and get a cool refreshing beverage before the league opens.  It also should take place before you have to get your not quite as fancy clothes back on for evening services.  It is completely impossible to find a time that is equally fair to all teams - if it is during the day during the week it favors college students (Da Bus),  losers who stay home all day (The Commish), and slackers at work (Mean Green).  If it is at night, it favors anal retentive people who take fantasy football way too seriously (you know who you are).  
3. Once again, the waiver wire will be opened 3:35pm, SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 2011.
4. All teams will remain locked until that point.  The league will unlock teams when the LEAGUE CLOCK reads 3:35pm.
5. In the mad rush for claiming players, the right to sign people will be determined by the traditional waiver rules.  Basically, if two teams both want to sign Carson Palmer and enter claims at the same time, the team with the lower waiver ranking will get the player.  These rankings are listed on the standings on the front page of the league.  These waiver rankings are usually based on the inverse of the draft order before the season starts.  Once the season starts, these ranking are determined by current record and who signed someone last.  
6. All penalties exacted for this set of rule violations will be seen in this waiver ranking.
7. The Commish, for his complete ineptitude and stupidity will suffer the brunt of the penalties.  His team will be locked until Tuesday, September 6, 2011.  He also will be listed last in the waiver rankings (as opposed to his current 5th place).
8. Orlando Blunder will be moved to the 11th spot, as opposed to his current 9th place in penalty for his signing players early - even though he was not completely informed of the dates.
9. Monkey will be moved to the 4th spot, as opposed to his current 3rd spot for his signing of players one minute early.
10. From now on, all vital league information will be posted on Facebook, this blog, and the league page.  That may just be a link to this blog.  But there will at least be a note posted on all three sites.  On the league page, please check both the message board and commish's notes sections.
11. If anyone feels this is unfair, please contact The Commish personally.  He still has phone privileges during his banishment.