SFL'S NINTH SEASON: Media Guide

Ah, football.  The oasis in the desert of the sports scene.  We have missed thee so.  Life just isn't the same unless large millionaires run around, throw a ball, and try to rip each other's heads off.  Something seems off when the most excitement we get is a baseball player tapping another one with a bat on the shin guards.  Seriously, there is more violence demonstrated in one kickoff of an NFL game than we saw in that huge "bench clearing brawl."  And, since we are guys, we are drawn to violence.  We watch violent movies.  We enjoy violent sports.  We participate in violent hobbies.

That is why the collective male nation holds its breath, waiting for football to start.  We put up with basketball.  We snooze through baseball.  We even tolerate the vuvuzelas to watch soccer.  But there is nothing quite like football.  Sure, the sport may have lost some of its luster over the years.  The concussion issue is something that really bothers me, for example.  The BS BCS gets on my nerves every year in college football.  And the threat of a NFL lockout next year really chafes me.  How can this collection of multi-millionaires and multi-billionaires not come up with a solution to this?  I mean, the least valuable franchise in the NFL is worth $785 million!  (Ladies and gentlemen, your Jacksonville Jaguars!!!)  Get a grip.

But there still is nothing like football.  When you throw in the High Def, the NFL Network, NFL Red Zone channel, and the rivalries of college football - it is just a wonderful thing.  I am thrilled that football is about to begin.  And with its arrival, I will again try (probably unsuccessfully) to win my sons over to the sport.  I have tried to get Josiah to watch football for nine years now.  No dice.  I keep trying to get Gabe interested in it - even using the "Pop Pop loves football" card.  Still no go.  They would prefer to do stupid stuff like read, use their imagination, and play together instead of wasting hours on the couch - stuffing their face with chips and rooting for people they will never meet.

Anyway, here we are for another year of the SFL.  It is our ninth year at the Staples Football League.  There have been a lot of changes over the years.  We have five charter teams remaining.  We've added and lost a lot of teams over the years.  But the league has always been pretty entertaining.  And I look forward to it every year.  It is also a reminder to me of where I have been.  I have people in this league from every city I have lived in and from every major part of my life.  It is pretty cool how someone has always remained from each phase.  Eight of our ten teams have played for three or more years.  We have one new team - Mean Green, owned by David Tarkington from Orange Park.  Don't take him lightly like some of our other newbie teams.  He is no newcomer to fantasy football - just to this league.  Overall, let's have fun.  I will try to put the weekly posts up.  Maybe at some point I will actually succeed in doing that every single week.  The draft already happened, in case you didn't notice.  So we are on our way.  Before we get rolling, though, let's get to know the teams.  Consider this the SFL Media Guide.

*** There are only two fake items in the following section.  Can you identify them?***

STICKBOY (formerly Ferret's Nightmare, Benji's Bulldogs, Monkey's Nightmare, Random Winners)
2009 FINISH: First for his third SFL title
OWNER: Benji Stultz
HOMEBASE: Apopka, FL
ALUMNUS OF: USF, Stetson
FAVORITE TEAMS: Da Bulls, Bucs
SIX DEGREES TO THE SUPER BOWL: Benji hails from the indoor foliage capitol of the world - Apopka, FL.  This is also the hometown of Warren Sapp.  Warren Sapp was on the Super Bowl XXXVII Champion Tampa Bay Bucs.
HOW THEY GOT INTO THE SFL: Benji Stultz is one of the original SFL team owners.  He was a freshman at USF when David - our Commish - first started working there.  Benji originally pissed David off by appearing to be "too cool to talk to the new fat intern."  Later on they became really good friends.
RANDOM TRIVIA FACT: Benji's dad is a big shot Army General.

ODIOUS REPERCUSSIONS (formerly Ugly Consequenes, Koios)
2009 FINISH: Second
OWNER: Matthew Sharp
HOMEBASE: Oviedo, FL
ALUMNUS OF: UCF
FAVORITE TEAMS: Hurricanes, Dolphins, Braves, UCF Knights
SIX DEGREES TO THE SUPER BOWL: One time Matt and some friends of his were at Friday's Front Row Sports Bar in Orlando and Tony Dorsett was eating at the next table over.  Tony Dorsett was on the Super Bowl XII champion Dallas Cowboys.
HOW THEY GOT INTO THE SFL: Matt Sharp has known David - our Commish - since they were in Kindygarden.  This was back when David wore socks that were taller than Matt.  And there is photographic proof of this.  They also roomed together in college.  And then they went to the same church in Orlando before David moved.
RANDOM TRIVIA FACT: Matt once got hit by a car and broke his collarbone.

BLOODTHIRSTY FERRETS (formerly Oviedo Knights)
2009 FINISH: Third
OWNER: Rev. David Staples
HOMEBASE: Tallahasse, FL
ALUMNUS OF: UCF
FAVORITE TEAMS: UCF Knights, Jaguars, Magic
SIX DEGREES TO THE SUPER BOWL: David attended Forest Hill High School in West Palm Beach, FL.  This was also the alma mater of the immortal Ottis Anderson - MVP of Super Bowl XXV with the New York Giants.  (He also knows Heath Evans, fullback for the Super Bowl champion New Orleans Saints.  But the Anderson link was funnier.)
HOW THEY GOT INTO THE SFL: David Staples started the league.  So you can't kick him out, no matter how hard you try.
RANDOM TRIVIA FACT: David's blood is 14% donut grease - down from 18% in January.

GATOR GREATS
2009 FINISH: Fourth
OWNER: Dr. Eddie Gilley
HOMEBASE: Gainesville, FL
ALUMNUS OF: Samford University, Southern Baptist Seminary, New Orleans Seminary
FAVORITE TEAMS: Gators, Gators, Gators
SIX DEGREES TO THE SUPER BOWL: Eddie performed the wedding ceremony for Jason Odom. Jason was a starting Offensive Tackle for the Tampa Bay Bucs from 1996 to 1999.  A bunch of players on that team won Super Bowl XXXVII.
HOW THEY GOT INTO THE SFL: Eddie Gilley was the boss of David - our Commish - at his very first ministry job when he was just a newbie intern with a bad haircut, no self esteem, and a sardonic approach to life.  He has watched David grow so much in those years - he has a much better haircut now.
RANDOM TRIVIA FACT: Eddie once had a perm.

DA BUS
2009 FINISH: Fifth
OWNER: Jason Mills
HOMEBASE: Gainesville, FL
ALUMNUS OF: Attending UF
FAVORITE TEAMS: Gators, Magic, Bucs
SIX DEGREES TO THE SUPER BOWL: Jason is a huge Star Wars fan.  Billy Dee Williams was in Star Wars.  One time a commercial for Colt 45 starring Billy Dee Williams aired during the Super Bowl.
HOW THEY GOT INTO THE SFL: Jason Mills was a student at ICS when David - our Commish - taught Bible there in the one and only year that David used his college degree.  Jason now is a student at UF.  And, surprisingly, he still has the brain power to play fantasy football.
RANDOM TRIVIA FACT: Jason used to have a bus washing business.

MONKEY
2009 FINISH: Sixth
OWNER: Josh Ellis
HOMEBASE: Knoxville, TN
ALUMNUS OF: UCF
FAVORITE TEAMS: Knights, Gators
SIX DEGREES TO THE SUPER BOWL: Josh is a State Farm Insurance agent.  One of the athletes with an endorsement deal with State Farm is LeBron James.  LBJ23 is a Rat Bass Turd who held the sports world hostage when he decided to sign with the Miami Heat.  Miami is the home of the Dolphins, and many Super Bowls.
HOW THEY GOT INTO THE SFL: Josh Ellis attended church with David - our Commish - in Oviedo.  His wife also worked with David.  The experience was so traumatic for both of them that they had to move to Knoxville.  The fact that Josh is a rabid Gator fan, willing to live in Knoxville, should tell you the real story.
RANDOM TRIVIA FACT: Josh loves McDonald's.

TEBOW TOSSERS formerly Badcounsel
2009 FINISH: Seventh
OWNER: Rev. Randy Gillis
HOMEBASE: Oviedo, FL
ALUMNUS OF: UCF, Southwestern Seminary
FAVORITE TEAMS: Knights, Gators, Dolphins
SIX DEGREES TO THE SUPER BOWL: Randy once had a wardrobe malfunction while gyrating on stage with Justin Timberlake.  So did Janet Jackson - at the Super Bowl.
HOW THEY GOT INTO THE SFL: Randy Gillis attended UCF before David - our Commish - got there.  They did not actually know each other there.  David can't count the times that someone said, "You know Randy Gillis, right?"  And he had to respond, "No, I got here after him."  But they never listened.  Randy was a college minister at UF when David was at USF.  Then they worked on church staff together in Orlando.
RANDOM TRIVIA FACT: Randy once took a vacation to Iceland.

QUEEN CITY NOLES (Formerly Tally Noles)
2009 FINISH: Eighth
OWNER: Greg Ramer
HOMEBASE: Tallahassee, FL
ALUMNUS OF: FSU
FAVORITE TEAMS: Noles, Bucs, Braves
SIX DEGREES TO THE SUPER BOWL: Greg once dated a girl that got hit on by a naked Chris Rix, quarterback of FSU.  Chris Rix was the pathetic successor of Chris Weinke.  Weinke was the bright shining star of the Carolina Panthers when they lost in the Super Bowl to the New England Patriots - and when Janet Jackson showed her boobie.
HOW THEY GOT INTO THE SFL: Greg Ramer has been many things to David - our Commish - over the years.  Greg was a student, a roommate, a whipping boy, a lunch buyer, a guy running away very fast.  Currently they live in the same city - the thriving megalopolis of Tallahassee.  Although they are both doing their best to escape as soon as possible.
RANDOM TRIVIA FACT: Greg had a purple truck for many years.

TAMPA BAY RAMS
2009 FINISH: Tenth (our Ninth place team was not invited back because he sucked)
OWNER: Ryan Marlatt
HOMEBASE: Tampa, FL
ALUMNUS OF: USF
FAVORITE TEAMS: Da Bulls, Bucs, Rays, Lightning
SIX DEGREES TO THE SUPER BOWL: Ryan worked for a long time at Lifeway Christian Stores. One of the most popular books there was written by Tony Dungy.  Dungy was screwed out of a Super Bowl ring when the Bucs kicked him to the curb for Jeff Gruden.  But he later won one with the Colts.
HOW THEY GOT INTO THE SFL: Ryan Marlatt was a student when David - our Commish - was the college minister in Tampa.  They have stayed close over the years.  And, even though his teams usually end up at the bottom of the SFL - and even though David gives him a ton of junk about it - Ryan still sticks with it.  Cause that's the kind of guy he is.
RANDOM TRIVIA FACT: Ryan's nickname used to be Rhino.

MEAN GREEN
2009 FINISH: N/A (first year of existence)
OWNER: Rev. David Tarkington
HOMEBASE: Orange Park, FL
ALUMNUS OF: North Texas, Southwestern Seminary
FAVORITE TEAMS: North Texas, Jaguars, Dallas Mavericks
SIX DEGREES TO THE SUPER BOWL: David has attended a bunch of Jaguars games.  One famous player he saw play was Mark Brunell.  Brunell never won a Super Bowl with the Jags.  But he did weasel his way into a ring with the Saints last year - despite the fact that NO ONE knew he was even in the league.  This includes the New Orleans Saints.
HOW THEY GOT INTO THE SFL: David Tarkington is the Senior Pastor of FBC Orange Park.  He used to be the youth pastor there.  While there, he had one Heather Crissinger as his student.  She decided to go down to USF.  So he, being a good youth minister, sent word down to his buddies down in Tampa to take good care of her.  And David - our Commish - being a good college minister, married her.  (This is David Tarkington's favorite story to tell about David Staples.)
RANDOM TRIVIA FACT: David's brother was a bull rider.