Season Eight - Preseason

It seems like so long ago when Gator Greats killed Oviedo Knights' change for a repeat championship. So much has changed in the past nine months. A new President took office. The Steelers took another title. Brett Favre took a knee. The President spent lots of money on old cars. The Yankees spent lots of money on a new ballpark. Brett Favre spent lots of nights "changing his mind." The President pretended to be a health care expert. The Magic pretended to be a championship team. Brett Favre pretended to be a permanent retiree. And finally, the President antagonized parents. Lane Kiffin antagonized fans everywhere. And Brett Favre antagonized Packers. It was a busy stretch.

But now we can get down to the important stuff. Of course, I mean FOOTBALL. Pro, college, prep, and fantasy. In the words of the Christmas classic, "Up on the sidewalk, Stallworth drives. From his path pedestrians dive. If he hits one, that's okay. He'll just go to prison for 24 days. Ho ho ho, what do you know? Ho ho ho, what do you know-oh? If you play football, this is how its done. Kill a person, don't shoot yourself with a gun!" Wait, that's not right. I meant, "It's the most wonderful time of the year." So what do we have to look forward this year? Here is the always hotly anticipated and usually not quite satisfying Staples Football League Preview!!!

EIGHT YEARS! That's right. We have lasted EIGHT YEARS! If we were a running back, we would be getting axed this summer. If we were a car, we would be dying this year. If we were a President we would be finished after this year. With all of these foreboding messages, you would think that our league was doomed. But, while that always is a possibility due to the unrelenting ineptitude of the commissioner, this year could be the best ever? Pshaw, you may reply. But look at the facts. Last year was one of the most surprising ever. This year we have returned to our roster of ten teams - with some new blood filling in some holes. (That sounds gross - like a Twilight line or something.) And we already have had more controversy in the PRESEASON of our leagues than we ever had. It dwarfed even the Monkey hate filled rant of 2004 and the Devin Hester fiasco of 2007. And, as we all know, controversy breeds interest. So, let's take a look at the participants - in order of finish from last year.

GATOR GREATS

2008 FINISH: First

OWNER: Dr. Eddie Gilley

HOMEBASE: Gainesville, FL

ALUMNUS OF: Samford University, Southern Baptist Seminary, New Orleans Seminary

FAVORITE TEAMS: Gators, Gators, Gators

THE SKINNY: Eddie is the Director of the Gainesville Baptist Collegiate Ministries, as well as part of the media team for the University of Florida Gators. He is a huge sports fan - and proud of it. He has two kids - one is a college graduate and married. This makes him old.

HOW HE KNOWS COMMISH STAPLES: Eddie was the Commish's boss and mentor at USF in Tampa. They did unmeasurable harm to numerous buffets on the West Coast of Florida.

TRIVIA: Eddie has competed in numerous Sprint Triathlons - and finished.

BLOODTHIRSTY FERRETS (formerly Oviedo Knights)

2008 FINISH: Second

OWNER: Rev. David Staples

HOMEBASE: Tallahasse, FL

ALUMNUS OF: UCF

FAVORITE TEAMS: Knights, Jaguars, Magic

THE SKINNY: David runs Defender Ministries. And he is the stay at home dad of three wonderful kids while his wife attends FSU's Med School. He sees this as investment in the family's future - especially since he was doing nothing to secure that future. ha ha.

HOW HE KNOWS COMMISH STAPLES: David Staples is THE COMMISH - now on A&E on Fridays at 9pm.

TRIVIA: David has a birthmark that looks like a rabbit. Well, it used to look like a rabbit. Now it looks like a swollen rabbit that ate another rabbit whole.

MONKEY

2008 FINISH: Third

OWNER: Josh Ellis

HOMEBASE: Knoxville, TN

ALUMNUS OF: UCF

FAVORITE TEAMS: Knights, Gators

THE SKINNY: Josh recently moved from Oviedo to Knoxville where he is a State Farm agents. He loves sports and music. He has two lovely kids.

HOW HE KNOWS COMMISH STAPLES: Josh went to FBC Oviedo with the Commish, and his wife Michele worked with him. His dad also worked with him.

TRIVIA: Josh has been to Brazil, Germany, and England on mission trips.

TAMPA BAY RAMS

2008 FINISH: Fourth

OWNER: Ryan Marlatt

HOMEBASE: Tampa, FL

ALUMNUS OF: USF

FAVORITE TEAMS: Da Bulls, Bucs, Rays, Lightning

THE SKINNY: Ryan (aka Rhino, Noah, Marlatt) lives in Tampa. Last time the Commish checked, Ryan was heading into the psychology field. He loves all things related to Tampa sports.

HOW HE KNOWS COMMISH STAPLES: Ryan was one of The Commish's college students in Tampa at FBC Temple Terrace.

TRIVIA: Ryan finished last, tied for last, or second to last every year of the SFL - until last year's Arizona Cardinals like rise where he actually went to the playoffs.

STICKBOY (formerly Ferret's Nightmare, Benji's Bulldogs, Monkey's Nightmare)

2008 FINISH: Fifth

OWNER: Benji Stultz

HOMEBASE: Apopka, FL

ALUMNUS OF: USF, Stetson

FAVORITE TEAMS: Da Bulls, Bucs

THE SKINNY: Benji is the father of three future heartbreaking girls. He also is a counselor that specializes in working with "really screwed up people" - like teenaged sex offenders. You do NOT want to swap jobs with him for a day.

HOW HE KNOWS COMMISH STAPLES: Benji was a student at USF while The Commish worked there. He also has helped out with Defender Ministries stuff.

TRIVIA: Benji loves chocolate like a menstruating woman. He also went to Australia with The Commish and Eddie, and somehow did not get arrested.

UGLY CONSEQUENCES (formerly Koios)

2008 FINISH: Seventh (our sixth place team chose not to return)

OWNER: Matthew Sharp

HOMEBASE: Oviedo, FL

ALUMNUS OF: UCF

FAVORITE TEAMS: Hurricanes, Dolphins, Braves, Knights

THE SKINNY: Matt is the father of two cute kids. He is a mass communication major. And he knows more about sports than anyone the Commish knows. He is the one guy you never want to argue with sports about. He is always right, and he will argue with you until you realize it.

HOW HE KNOWS COMMISH STAPLES: Matt has known The Commish since August of 1979 when they were in Kindergarten together. They also roomed together in college. And he has pictures of The Commish with socks that apparently were so tall they met the bottom of his little shorts.

TRIVIA: Matt took a class on the History of Baseball in college - and said it was one of the harder classes he had.

TALLY NOLES

2008 FINISH: Eighth - Naked Butt Last (in the words of sprinter Dennis Mitchell)

OWNER: Greg Ramer

HOMEBASE: Tallahassee, FL

ALUMNUS OF: FSU

FAVORITE TEAMS: Noles, Bucs, Braves

THE SKINNY: Greg is not married. (Just saying) He works at the Department of Health or something certifying doctors or something. He loves huntin, fishin, campin, and other gerunds that you can leave the g off of.

HOW HE KNOWS COMMISH STAPLES: Greg was one of The Commish's students at USF. They roomed together for a year. And now they live in the same city. Greg eats dinner with The Commish, Mrs. Commish, and the Commishettes frequently.

TRIVIA: Greg is an avid photographer and very good at it. RamerPhotography.com.

BADCOUNSEL

2008 FINISH: N/A - First year of existence

OWNER: Rev. Randy Gillis

HOMEBASE: Oviedo, FL

ALUMNUS OF: UCF, Southwestern Seminary

FAVORITE TEAMS: Knights, Gators, Dolphins

THE SKINNY: Randy is the father of three girls and a boy. He is freaking brilliant - an ordained minister, worship leader, and computer programmer.

HOW HE KNOWS COMMISH STAPLES: Randy and The Commish were college ministers at the same time and ran into each other at conferences. They also served on church staff together at Waypoint Church.

TRIVIA: Randy still owns and wears his Cross Seekers shirt. (some of you will be impressed)

DA BUS

2008 FINISH: N/A - First year of existence

OWNER: Jason Mills

HOMEBASE: Altamonte Springs, FL

ALUMNUS OF: International Community School - attending UF in Spring

FAVORITE TEAMS: Gators, Magic, Bucs

THE SKINNY: Jason won just about every award offered to seniors at ICS. He owns a bus washing company. Yes, he owns a company. He's 18. Any of you own a company?

HOW HE KNOWS COMMISH STAPLES: The Commish taught Bible at ICS last year and Jason suffered through that class.

TRIVIA: Jason loves Lord of the Rings and Star Wars - like a lot.

STEELAS

2008 FINISH: N/A - First year of existence

OWNER: Robbie Alderman

HOMEBASE: Orlando, FL

ALUMNUS OF: ICS - attending SCC - going to Liberty soon

FAVORITE TEAMS: Noles, Magic

THE SKINNY: Robbie was captain of the basketball team at ICS, as well as one of the student worship leaders. And he had an awesome beard.

HOW HE KNOWS COMMISH STAPLES: Robbie's brother had The Commish at ICS for Bible. And Robbie's mom works at ICS. Robbie was fortunate to have the least interaction with The Commish of any team owner.

TRIVIA: Robbie loves U2 - smart for a young guy. His brother is a Canes' fan - so game day should be fun.

So that's the lineup. The games get going next week. I hope to have weekly newsletters. Yeah, yeah. I know I say that every year. But this year is different. How? I don't have a job. And being jobless means that I have no good reason to NOT write the newsletters. In some ways, that is the only thing I have to do all week. Well, aside from the homeschooling, cooking, cleaning, nursing, and playing games on Facebook. I hope that we all have a great year. I have great expectations. I have so little now, I hope the league is good. (sobbing) Just kidding. So go forth and set your virtual rosters, cheer on your virtual players, and use the new in-game stat tracker to see how you are doing - even though there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO AT THAT POINT BUT WATCH YOUR TEAM GET DESTROYED. Let's play some football!!!