WEEK TWO: In the Zone

Last week I spent five bucks on something. It may have been the best five bucks I have ever spent. I mean, have you ever thought about things you bought for five bucks? There aren't a whole lot of things that you can rave about that cost five bucks. A sub from Subway? Psssshhhhh. A movie ticket? You ever seen a great movie for five bucks?

You excited to find out what it was? I know you are. You're chomping at the bit. You look like Jon Gruden during the quarterback workout at the combines. I bought the digital sports tier on my Comcast cable. Disappointed? I wasn't. Sure, I got useless crap like Big Ten Television and NBA TV. But I got the NFL Red Zone channel. So on Sunday I parked my ample butt on the old sofa and turned it on. What's all the hype about? Well, let me tell you brother. You know when you are sitting down to watch ye olde NFL on Sundays? And there are two games on - FOX and CBS. So, being a guy, you have the remote in hand. One game is on, the other is ready to be accessed from the "Recall" button. So you flip to one game, and when you flip back the crowd is going crazy and you have no clue why.

Red Zone eliminates that. It hops between ALL the games that are on whenever a team hits the . . . Red Zone. So you get to see all the exciting plays. Oh, yes. I saw Andre Johnson's sick touchdown catch - Live. I saw Chris Johnson's first sick run - Live. I saw interceptions, sacks, touchdowns. Oh so many touchdowns. And they kept it running so smooth. I am serious. It was one of the best five dollar purchases I ever made. If I only had that one week, it would have been worth five bucks. And, for those who don't live in Comcastville, I extend an invite to you to come and experience Red Zone at my house. Just be careful not to step on any toys or food - and we may be interrupted by a few episodes of Wonder Pets or Yo Gabba Gabba.

FOOTBALL QUICK HITS

After Miami destroyed Georgia Tech last week, I wrote Tally Noles. "So, was it that FSU was that bad or that Miami was that freaking good?" I guess that is the defining question of the season thus far. It has been a long time since Miami played an important role in deciding the NCAA BCS BS championship. They have not been ranked higher than 10th since 2004. So, in honor of that, all of my quick hits will be based on the top acts of 2004.

• MAROON 5 - For the now five years that USC will not win a national championship, despite believing they are the best team in the universe. Stanford. Oregon State. And now Washington. Every year there is a brain fart and the Trojans trip up against some "lesser" team. And then every year Pete "I'm a god" Carroll gripes about how USC gets too penalized for losing. And the whole time the rest of the country laughs their butts off. Because the rest of the country hates USC.
• HOOBASTANK - Who stank? Lane Kiffin stank. I know that there were a bunch of people who pulled that whole stupid "moral victory" junk once Tennessee limped home with their tail between their legs. But the fact is that Kiffin is just a big mouth. And he is creating a list of enemies that is going to hurt him. Spurrier was an arrogant mouthy piece of excrement also. But he had something to back it up. He could talk smack about Bobby because he was in their head. Kiffin's not in anyone's head - even his own. If it wasn't for his dad, UT would have lost by 40.
• NO DOUBT - Chris and Andre Johnson are awesome. And the wingnuts who should have been defending them are really dumb. How can you leave Chris Johnson wide open like that? Of course, the Titans lost and are 0-2. So maybe the Texans aren't as dumb as we thought. Maybe it was like Orlando letting LeBron "get his" and shutting down the rest of the team. Who knows?
• SWITCHFOOT - The NFL, and the AFC East in particular, has been living with an abrasive genius with a superior team and gameplan for years now. But, this year, it is not Bill Belichick and the Pats. It is Rex Ryan and the Jets. See, Lane, this is how you run your mouth. You don't just yap and accuse. You then go out and destroy, which validates your big mouth. And it makes people angrier because they hate your guts --- and can't do anything about it.
• LUDACRIS - How are the Broncos 2-0? This was supposed to be the worst team in football. And it isn't like they WON either game. Weird.
• OUTKAST - This goes to the non-BCS conferences. Way to perform, guys. For years they have been griping for a chance to get a real shot at the title. And so voters have started listening. And they are actually OVERhyping them now. So when the big day comes, both Utah and BYU get whacked by unranked BCS teams. Good on ya, guys. Come back in a few years when you regain our trust.
• THE KILLERS - The Dallas Cowboys for their handling of subtlety, dignity, and nobility. I finally understand why everyone hates Dallas. I always thought Jerry Jones was a jerk. And they have been getting on my nerves for a while. But, jeez. Their new stadium is just ridiculous. $1.2 billion? Whaaaaaat? And those screens are ridiculous. It is like they are saying, "I know with High Def that it isn't worth coming to a game any more. So here's High Def at the game. Better?" Can anyone really be passionate about this team - like it is YOUR team anymore? I really envy Steeler and Packer fans. They still have something to hang on to. The rest of us are cheering for corporations. "GO NESTLE!!!"
• DESTINY'S CHILD - What should we make of the Saints? Is this like the St. Louis Rams' Greatest Show on Turf team that won the Super Bowl, or the won who lost? Or is it like the Colts for most of Manning's career? I can't tell. Drew Brees is just out of his mind. And this team that wasn't supposed to be that great is just dismantling teams. They hung 48 on the Iggles - in Philly! Look at the rest of their schedule. They have both the Jets and Giants at home. They play the PooPoo Platter of the NFC South twice each (except for Atlanta, I guess). So they have 2 wins against Tampa, 2 against Carolina, 1 against St. Louis, and could easily beat Washington, Buffalo, AND Dallas. Even if they split with Atlanta, what is that? 13-3? 12-4? Would you want to play Brees in January in the Dome?

SFL RECAP

• GATORS GREATS over BLOODTHIRSTY FERRETS - Wow. The Ferrets may be one of the worst teams in the history of the SFL. They started Donnie Avery. Not a single player scored more than 16 points. We are all dumber from watching that performance. And the sad thing? There aren't a lot of ways for them to improve. Gators only had three players NOT in double digits. That . . . was . . . ugly.
• MONKEY over TALLY NOLES - Peyton Manning, Andre Johnson, Willis McGahee all score over 20 points. And you lose. Those are the games that you hate. Frank Gore helped Monkey overcome what could have been a Ferret-like week. I think you have to win any game where a player scores 40 or more. (Although 2 teams did not last week.)
• UGLY CONSEQUENCES over BAD COUNSEL - The two Dolphins fans went at it this week. Both had solid weeks and performances. It just came down to a few points here and there. Maybe the extra SFL experience made a difference. (I'm suuure that was it.)
• STICKBOY over DA BUS - You DEFINITELY have to win any game where a player scores over 50 points. Stickboy took a stick to the Da Bus this week, putting up the biggest total of the week. It wasn't a bad week for Bus - he would have beat half the teams this week. It just was a bad week to play Stick.
• STEELAS over TAMPA BAY RAMS - The Rams began their eighth straight season 0-2. I don't know if that is true. The poor Rams just never get a break. This week, Steelas had THREE PLAYERS generate 0 points. One of their starters still had not signed with his team. Yet he won. The Rams have Drew "Arena Football Scores" Brees. And they are 0-2. That sucks.

SFL PREVIEW

• The bell curve continues. Perfect record distribution. No one cares.
• The two small animal teams will get into a raging slashing fight this week as the undefeated Monkey takes on the reeling Ferrets. Yahoo predicts a very close battle. I predict that Ferrets will get the beatdown the Vols should have gotten last week.
• The Rams and Da Bus have a very intriguing matchup this week. Both teams could have big weeks - or be humiliated. If Hasselbeck doesn't play, or if his ribs affect him to much, Bus will be breaking down and the Rams will be in the win column for the first time this year.
• In the battle of ministers with experience working in Gainesville, Gator Greats and Bad Counsel square off. Yahoo again predicts a close battle. But, as we have seen thus far, Yahoo has no idea about football. Gator Greats always seems to deliver when it counts - like Peyton Manning. Wait, is he going to kill me for likening him to Manning?
• Tally Noles has a juggernaut in waiting. IF everyone clicks in the same week, we could easily see a 180 point week. And Steelas still refuses to change his lineup. I guess it could come down to Michael Crabtree (shaking head). BUT remember, Stickboy won this league his first year without ever changing his lineup. This included starting Kurt Warner with a broken thumb for six weeks. Go figure.
• So far Stickboy has had some HUGE performances by his players. Can this continue? Chris Johnson plays the Jets - who actually play defense. But Aaron Rodgers plays St. Louis, which was demoted to Mountain West last week. Ugly Consequences will definitely face an uphill battle this week. There is the potential for an upset, but the more likely outcome will have Stickboy rolling into Monkey undefeated in Week Five.

Well, have fun as always. And I'm serious about the Red Zone thing. I'm pretty lonely, so I won't care if you are just here to watch tv. I'll even fix you snacks. Just call first so I can pick up the cereal off the floor.