WEEK THREE: Wrong State of Mind

What the heck was up with Florida sports this weekend? With three exceptions (USF, FAMU, and the Jags), I don't know if I can remember an uglier weekend for the Sunshine State. Miami gets exposed by Virginia Tech. UCF acts like, well, UCF and loses a game it should have won. FSU gets completely outclassed and outmanned by USF. FIU and FAU come up short in close games. The Dolphins get beat up on. The Bucs bring back memories of the 1980s with their pathetic play against the Giants. And the Gators win - and hold their collective breath as Tebow gets wheeled off the field, hurling in a bag. Pretty cruddy weekend on the peninsula.

Aside from the fear rippling out of Gainesville, I think the team that needs to be the most worried is FSU. It really made me wonder what is going on up here. Leading up to the game, there was a lot of smack talk between the USF and FSU camps. It sounded like a little brother mouthing off to big bro - with the older sibling about to drop a Big Stinky Leg Drop on the little punk. But it turned out that the little guy had been doing HGH and Steroid cycles while gone to college and the big guy had been doing keg stands. So there was a beating, but not what anyone expected. The game wasn't even as close as the score indicated. Remember USF missed two field goals and one of FSU's scores was a result of a micro-field.

What made it all even worse - and something echoed by the announcers on ESPN U (where U is for Ubvious Uverstatement) to the point of nausea - was that all of the damage was done by a quarterback who grew up in Tallahassee and idolized FSU. The question that stems from that is something FSU seriously must address - but probably won't. HOW IN THE HECK DID THAT HAPPEN? How did B.J. Daniels end up whipping FSU instead of playing for them? As I kept hearing the announcers mention this fact, I really began to wonder. What caused arguably the most dominant team in college football in the 90s to degrade to this point? This is the same team that went 14 years straight finishing in the top five. Who does that? Now, they can't even string two good games together.

I have a couple of theories (which, honestly don't mean jack crap). First of all, FSU has completely lost its recruiting abilities. I know, they five of the ESPN Top 150 last year. But I looked at some stuff over the weekend found out something interesting. Florida is the best supplier of high school players, period. 25 of the ESPN Top 150 were from Florida. The next closest is Texas (19), Georgia (16), and Kahleefornyuh (15). So it really isn't even close. This has been the case for a LOOOOOOONG time. Florida is chock full of speed and talent. Once upon a time, there were three major Florida schools. They would divide up the best of the Florida booty. Things have changed, though. I went through the rosters of the nine biggest football programs in Florida (UF, FSU, UM, USF, UCF, FIU, FAU, FAMU, BCC). Most of the smaller schools have now pilfered the Florida ranks (except for UCF, who recruits like it is a nationally known school - but it is NOT). Here's what I found:

• USF - 91.7% Florida players
• BCC - 91.6% Florida players
• FAU - 89.5% Florida players
• FIU - 85.8% Florida players
• FAMU - 83.5% Florida players
• UCF - 68.7% Florida players
• UM - 66.7% Florida players
• UF - 63.1% Florida players
• FSU - 52.8% Florida players

Combined, that adds up to 691 players, if you are curious. Do you notice something strange about that chart? I can understand the big difference between the first five and the bottom four. The first five are newer and smaller programs, so they are reduced to pulling from their backyard. That is what happens all over the country. The other four teams (yeah, UCF too) are more nationally known. They have been around longer, have larger campuses, more national coverage. (Remember UCF has had two top 5 Heisman finishers and three bowl appearances.) So they can pull from the best of the country. That is why UF, UM, UCF, and FSU have smaller percentages. BUT, once you hit a certain point, doesn't the number start to mean something more? I mean, you are in Florida. You are nationally known with great facilities. You have a legend as a coach. How can you only get 56 state kids? I mean, South Carolina has 22 from Florida. The pool has been depleted, for sure, thanks to the higher number of suitors. (Not to mention Michigan, Georgia, Illinois, Auburn, Ole Miss, Georgia Tech, NC State, Boston College, Notre Dame, Mississippi State, and Ohio State all have between 10 and 20 Florida boys.) I just think that FSU's luster has worn off in state. There is no reason to be that inept at recruiting in your backyard. That's how B.J. Daniels escapes.

The other main thing is that FSU is killing itself with its refusal to make a coaching change. Everyone knows that Bobby Bowden is not the coach of that team. Jimbo Fisher is the coach. Bobby is a guy in a sun hat and Oakleys wandering on the sideline wondering where his sandwich is. This can't be positive. The players have to be torn. In the Miami game, there was one point where Bowden and Fisher both were trying to talk to one of the players. The youngster looked confused and then went over to Fisher. The only ONLY reason that Bowden is still there is that he wants to beat Paterno. FSU finally got smart and put some "Associate Head Coaches" in place, like Penn State did. But Bowden (and his supporters in the Boosters) still hold too much sway. The game has passed him by - as well as Mickey Andrews and other St. Bobby staff guys. FSU really just needs to gut the coaching staff. They need to fire everyone (Fisher included, who I have not been impressed with at all). Then they need to dangle a truckload of money at some brilliant coach and say, "Here are the keys. Fix it." And not someone out of the "FSU Family." Someone who knows what they are doing.

See, the new coaches like Urban Meyer don't give a rat's tail about who ends up at the top of the all-time win chart. They don't plan on staying anywhere long enough to get a field named after them. They are going to jump into the pros or the broadcasting booth anyway. They are hired guns. Very effective, potent, intelligent guns. They have mastered the new recruiting world (texts, tweets, cell phones). It isn't about sitting in a living room and convincing mama any more. It is impressing and seducing and relentlessly pursuing. I respect FSU's loyalty - it is so rare now in our world. But it is hurting that program. The USF game was huge to USF - they are going to have an even better recruiting edge now, more respect, blah blah blah. But it was huge to FSU because it showed them they aren't the big dog any more. In reality, there is UF in the top tier. FSU, UM, USF are in the next tier. UCF, FAU, and FIU are nipping at their heels. It isn't the Big Three - it is the Big One and the Next Six. FSU had better do something, or they are going to be destined to 7-5 seasons and being home before New Year.

FOOTBALL THOUGHTS

• You CANNOT be that team that Detroit beats. I don't care who you are. I think whoever it was, the coach should have been fired. That should have been a mutual agreement at the NFL Owners' Meetings. So, Washington (who coincidentally was the only team the 1-15 Cowboys beat) loses the lottery. Jim Zorn needs fired. No questions. Go away. You don't know what you are doing.
• I love how they called this "Upset Weekend" in the NCAA. Were you honestly surprised by any of the "upsets?" Mississippi was unbelievably overrated. FSU was a sitting duck. Miami and Virginia Tech were only two spots apart. Penn State always loses to Iowa. Cal? See Mississippi. (There always is some team that prematurely rockets up the rankings at the beginning of the year that doesn't belong - USF, looking at you.) North Carolina lost to a Georgia Tech team that was ranked last week. It was the week where the stupid rankings of the early season straightened out.
• The NFL in Florida is in for a long year. A combined 1-8. That's impressive.
• I hope that Tebow is fine. I want him to succeed personally. Heather made a good point - it is funny how people are saying "It's just a concussion." A concussion is physical damage to the brain. People with multiple concussions have characteristics similar to Parkinson's. It is a serious injury - worse long term than a blown ACL. But it is "just a concussion" in the papers. That's what happens when you are married to a doctor type person, I guess.
• Did you see the ESPN pre-game piece on Rex Ryan? It basically went like this. Rex Ryan is an abrasive jerk. His father was an even worse abrasive jerk. But no one should care because he wins game. He even kind of reveled in the way that he is portrayed. You know, that's all fine and good because you are 3-0 right now. But I remember other punk coaches who had their teams turn on them in a second (Bill Cowher, Tom Coughlin, Buddy Ryan). Cowher and Coughlin learned their lesson and calmed down. That abrasive stuff only works while you're winning.
• I can't decide which uniform was uglier - Houston's red unitard or Seattle's neon green vest. I kind of wish they had played each other - just to see if our eyeballs would explode.
• I have been reading a bunch of stuff lately about the Jaguars starting to court Orlando - offering to move some games there in the next few years. Wayne Weaver, owner of the Jags, hopes this will open a new market and help them to sell out games. Hmmmmm. This is the same Orlando that features the Magic and, arguably, one of the worst set of fans out there? They drive off superstars, boo their own team, don't sell out games, have a very low sports IQ (not as bad as Miami), and don't support their team unless it is the Finals. Good plan, Wayne. Of course, he also has "joked" that he may draft Tebow in the first round just to sell tickets.
• Jemele Hill wrote an article on ESPN Page Two where she said that Lane Kiffin actually got the best of Urban Meyer. I could make the easy comment about female sportswriters. But, I'll go with this instead. THIS is what happens when yellow journalism takes over sports coverage. You are more worried about getting hits and Twitter followers than making intelligent comments. And she lives in Orlando, going off the previous note.

SFL RECAP

• It was a bizarre week in the SFL. Everything went topsy turvy. Kind of weird.
• After last week, the cellar was occupied with the Tampa Bay Rams and Bad Counsel. This week? Well the Rams rocketed up to sixth place, while the Counsel kept its spot by the furnace warm even though it won. It's new cellar mate? Shockingly the Gator Greats, victim of Bad Counsel's first victory.
• Is it just me or is there a high number of truly pathetic outings by players this year? I just see a lot of starting running backs and receivers putting up 2s and 3s so far. Kind of strange, if you ask me.
• Stickboy continued his tear last week. It seems every week he gets some out of his mind performance from some player. This week it was Aaron Rodgers and Maurice Jones-Drew. That helped avoid the upset by Ugly Consequences, who certainly did his best. He would have beaten anyone else (except Tally Noles).
• Monkey, the other unbeaten team, felt the injury bug as Frank Gore and Felix Jones went down. This helped Bloodthirsty Ferrets to score a shocking upset. It actually made the Monday night game in Dallas interesting. Monkey had Romo, Roy Williams, and Felix while Ferrets had Jason Witten and Nick Folk. Big win for Ferrets.
• If Steelas would ever change his lineup, he could be frightening. Since he refuses to do that, he is basically a gimme win. Last week he started FOUR players who didn't even dress for the game. Combine that with Tally Noles' huge day and we had the blowout of the week. Peyton Manning is just sick.
• In the closest battle of the week, Tampa Bay Rams got off the schneid against Da Bus. Oddly enough, it was on the week when Drew Brees played like a human instead of a touchdown throwing cyborg. The Pierre Garcon pickup is looking smart for the Rams.

SFL WEEK FOUR PREVIEW

• The worst enemy for any team begins this week. BYE WEEKS!!!! Be sure to check your lineups to make sure you are not starting people who aren't playing. Well, unless you are Steelas. Then by all means, start those guys on bye week.
• We again have some great matchups. Tally Noles is testing his newfound powerhouse status against fellow Tallahassee resident Bloodthirsty Ferrets. I'm sure it will be a great battle. And if Tally Noles wins, he won't be invited for dinner at Ferrets' place this week.
• Master vs. Padawan II - Gator Greats battles Stickboy this week. Of course, this year it is like Evil Darth Vader in his prime up against Old Decrepit Living in the Swamp (ha ha) Yoda . Stickboy is flying high while Gator Greats is dropping like Tebow. (too soon?)
• I can't come up with anything witty about Monkey vs Bad Counsel. They both like the Gators and married way out of their league. That's all I got.
• In the Battle for the Mean, Team 5 Ugly Consequences meets Team 6 Tampa Bay Rams. These guys seem very different on so many levels. Ugly is shorter and loves most Miami teams. Rams is tall and loves Tampa sports. Of course, none of that matters since the game is based on fictional sports teams. Moving on.
• The youngest members of the SFL square off. Da Bus and Steelas battle in an ICS alumni smackdown. This has been a long time coming. These guys can't stand each other. Oh wait, they do like each other. Well it sounds better if they don't.
• Again, make sure you check your rosters and the bye weeks.
• I would like to point out that I have now done four straight weeks of newsletters. So suck on that. God bless.

WEEK TWO: In the Zone

Last week I spent five bucks on something. It may have been the best five bucks I have ever spent. I mean, have you ever thought about things you bought for five bucks? There aren't a whole lot of things that you can rave about that cost five bucks. A sub from Subway? Psssshhhhh. A movie ticket? You ever seen a great movie for five bucks?

You excited to find out what it was? I know you are. You're chomping at the bit. You look like Jon Gruden during the quarterback workout at the combines. I bought the digital sports tier on my Comcast cable. Disappointed? I wasn't. Sure, I got useless crap like Big Ten Television and NBA TV. But I got the NFL Red Zone channel. So on Sunday I parked my ample butt on the old sofa and turned it on. What's all the hype about? Well, let me tell you brother. You know when you are sitting down to watch ye olde NFL on Sundays? And there are two games on - FOX and CBS. So, being a guy, you have the remote in hand. One game is on, the other is ready to be accessed from the "Recall" button. So you flip to one game, and when you flip back the crowd is going crazy and you have no clue why.

Red Zone eliminates that. It hops between ALL the games that are on whenever a team hits the . . . Red Zone. So you get to see all the exciting plays. Oh, yes. I saw Andre Johnson's sick touchdown catch - Live. I saw Chris Johnson's first sick run - Live. I saw interceptions, sacks, touchdowns. Oh so many touchdowns. And they kept it running so smooth. I am serious. It was one of the best five dollar purchases I ever made. If I only had that one week, it would have been worth five bucks. And, for those who don't live in Comcastville, I extend an invite to you to come and experience Red Zone at my house. Just be careful not to step on any toys or food - and we may be interrupted by a few episodes of Wonder Pets or Yo Gabba Gabba.

FOOTBALL QUICK HITS

After Miami destroyed Georgia Tech last week, I wrote Tally Noles. "So, was it that FSU was that bad or that Miami was that freaking good?" I guess that is the defining question of the season thus far. It has been a long time since Miami played an important role in deciding the NCAA BCS BS championship. They have not been ranked higher than 10th since 2004. So, in honor of that, all of my quick hits will be based on the top acts of 2004.

• MAROON 5 - For the now five years that USC will not win a national championship, despite believing they are the best team in the universe. Stanford. Oregon State. And now Washington. Every year there is a brain fart and the Trojans trip up against some "lesser" team. And then every year Pete "I'm a god" Carroll gripes about how USC gets too penalized for losing. And the whole time the rest of the country laughs their butts off. Because the rest of the country hates USC.
• HOOBASTANK - Who stank? Lane Kiffin stank. I know that there were a bunch of people who pulled that whole stupid "moral victory" junk once Tennessee limped home with their tail between their legs. But the fact is that Kiffin is just a big mouth. And he is creating a list of enemies that is going to hurt him. Spurrier was an arrogant mouthy piece of excrement also. But he had something to back it up. He could talk smack about Bobby because he was in their head. Kiffin's not in anyone's head - even his own. If it wasn't for his dad, UT would have lost by 40.
• NO DOUBT - Chris and Andre Johnson are awesome. And the wingnuts who should have been defending them are really dumb. How can you leave Chris Johnson wide open like that? Of course, the Titans lost and are 0-2. So maybe the Texans aren't as dumb as we thought. Maybe it was like Orlando letting LeBron "get his" and shutting down the rest of the team. Who knows?
• SWITCHFOOT - The NFL, and the AFC East in particular, has been living with an abrasive genius with a superior team and gameplan for years now. But, this year, it is not Bill Belichick and the Pats. It is Rex Ryan and the Jets. See, Lane, this is how you run your mouth. You don't just yap and accuse. You then go out and destroy, which validates your big mouth. And it makes people angrier because they hate your guts --- and can't do anything about it.
• LUDACRIS - How are the Broncos 2-0? This was supposed to be the worst team in football. And it isn't like they WON either game. Weird.
• OUTKAST - This goes to the non-BCS conferences. Way to perform, guys. For years they have been griping for a chance to get a real shot at the title. And so voters have started listening. And they are actually OVERhyping them now. So when the big day comes, both Utah and BYU get whacked by unranked BCS teams. Good on ya, guys. Come back in a few years when you regain our trust.
• THE KILLERS - The Dallas Cowboys for their handling of subtlety, dignity, and nobility. I finally understand why everyone hates Dallas. I always thought Jerry Jones was a jerk. And they have been getting on my nerves for a while. But, jeez. Their new stadium is just ridiculous. $1.2 billion? Whaaaaaat? And those screens are ridiculous. It is like they are saying, "I know with High Def that it isn't worth coming to a game any more. So here's High Def at the game. Better?" Can anyone really be passionate about this team - like it is YOUR team anymore? I really envy Steeler and Packer fans. They still have something to hang on to. The rest of us are cheering for corporations. "GO NESTLE!!!"
• DESTINY'S CHILD - What should we make of the Saints? Is this like the St. Louis Rams' Greatest Show on Turf team that won the Super Bowl, or the won who lost? Or is it like the Colts for most of Manning's career? I can't tell. Drew Brees is just out of his mind. And this team that wasn't supposed to be that great is just dismantling teams. They hung 48 on the Iggles - in Philly! Look at the rest of their schedule. They have both the Jets and Giants at home. They play the PooPoo Platter of the NFC South twice each (except for Atlanta, I guess). So they have 2 wins against Tampa, 2 against Carolina, 1 against St. Louis, and could easily beat Washington, Buffalo, AND Dallas. Even if they split with Atlanta, what is that? 13-3? 12-4? Would you want to play Brees in January in the Dome?

SFL RECAP

• GATORS GREATS over BLOODTHIRSTY FERRETS - Wow. The Ferrets may be one of the worst teams in the history of the SFL. They started Donnie Avery. Not a single player scored more than 16 points. We are all dumber from watching that performance. And the sad thing? There aren't a lot of ways for them to improve. Gators only had three players NOT in double digits. That . . . was . . . ugly.
• MONKEY over TALLY NOLES - Peyton Manning, Andre Johnson, Willis McGahee all score over 20 points. And you lose. Those are the games that you hate. Frank Gore helped Monkey overcome what could have been a Ferret-like week. I think you have to win any game where a player scores 40 or more. (Although 2 teams did not last week.)
• UGLY CONSEQUENCES over BAD COUNSEL - The two Dolphins fans went at it this week. Both had solid weeks and performances. It just came down to a few points here and there. Maybe the extra SFL experience made a difference. (I'm suuure that was it.)
• STICKBOY over DA BUS - You DEFINITELY have to win any game where a player scores over 50 points. Stickboy took a stick to the Da Bus this week, putting up the biggest total of the week. It wasn't a bad week for Bus - he would have beat half the teams this week. It just was a bad week to play Stick.
• STEELAS over TAMPA BAY RAMS - The Rams began their eighth straight season 0-2. I don't know if that is true. The poor Rams just never get a break. This week, Steelas had THREE PLAYERS generate 0 points. One of their starters still had not signed with his team. Yet he won. The Rams have Drew "Arena Football Scores" Brees. And they are 0-2. That sucks.

SFL PREVIEW

• The bell curve continues. Perfect record distribution. No one cares.
• The two small animal teams will get into a raging slashing fight this week as the undefeated Monkey takes on the reeling Ferrets. Yahoo predicts a very close battle. I predict that Ferrets will get the beatdown the Vols should have gotten last week.
• The Rams and Da Bus have a very intriguing matchup this week. Both teams could have big weeks - or be humiliated. If Hasselbeck doesn't play, or if his ribs affect him to much, Bus will be breaking down and the Rams will be in the win column for the first time this year.
• In the battle of ministers with experience working in Gainesville, Gator Greats and Bad Counsel square off. Yahoo again predicts a close battle. But, as we have seen thus far, Yahoo has no idea about football. Gator Greats always seems to deliver when it counts - like Peyton Manning. Wait, is he going to kill me for likening him to Manning?
• Tally Noles has a juggernaut in waiting. IF everyone clicks in the same week, we could easily see a 180 point week. And Steelas still refuses to change his lineup. I guess it could come down to Michael Crabtree (shaking head). BUT remember, Stickboy won this league his first year without ever changing his lineup. This included starting Kurt Warner with a broken thumb for six weeks. Go figure.
• So far Stickboy has had some HUGE performances by his players. Can this continue? Chris Johnson plays the Jets - who actually play defense. But Aaron Rodgers plays St. Louis, which was demoted to Mountain West last week. Ugly Consequences will definitely face an uphill battle this week. There is the potential for an upset, but the more likely outcome will have Stickboy rolling into Monkey undefeated in Week Five.

Well, have fun as always. And I'm serious about the Red Zone thing. I'm pretty lonely, so I won't care if you are just here to watch tv. I'll even fix you snacks. Just call first so I can pick up the cereal off the floor.

WEEK ONE: It's Baaaa-aaack

YEAH!

I just had to get that out. Football is finally back. I didn't realize just how much I missed my dear friend. But as the last game was shutting down on Monday night, I finally recognized the empty spot that was in my life. It is like when a really good friend moves away - the kind that you do all kind of dumb stuff with. You know what I'm talking about? The midnight Walmart runs. The TPing of houses. The urinating off the overpass. The taking advantage of farm animals. When they leave, you learn to live without them. You might even find someone else fun to hang out with. But it isn't until they come back for a visit that you REALLY grasp how much you have missed them.

That's football. Sure, I dabbled with the Magic and the NBA this year - and with the Rays and the World Series last year. But it wasn't the same. Then I realized football was coming back. I went back and reminisced about old times (training camp), looked through old pictures (preseason guides), planned for what we were going to do this time (preseason). Then there was the glimmer where my friend got off the plane, but still had to go through baggage claim (last weekend of college games). THIS weekend was the reunion.

It started with the spine-tingling, nail-biting Pittsburgh vs. Tennessee game on Thursday. Could you have written a better start? Man, that game was crazy - tight all night. It was everything a game should be - except for being decided by a coin toss. (Grrrrrr) Then there were some incredible college games on Saturday, like Michigan/Notre Dame and USC/Ohio State. The USC/Ohio State game was just exciting as heck - especially the ending. And I love watching Ohio State once again have to come up with excuses about how they keep losing big games - and how they deserve whatever inflated ranking they'll have come November.

Then Sunday rolled up. I don't know if it was that this year is just better, or it is that I have a HDTV now. Whatever it is, the games were nuts this year. The Chicago/Green Bay game was exciting the whole time. (Admit it, you loved watching Cutler suck. I know I did.) The Arizona/San Fran game went down to the wire. That Denver/Cincy game was crazy as all get out. And the Giants/Redskins matchup took me back to West Palm Beach, sitting with my dad and watching those two warhorses battle. If only Madden and Summerall could have been coming through the speakers. Then, as if the weekend hadn't been enough, you had two epic clashes last night. I was so excited at the end of the Patriots/Bills game, I was pumping my fist and everything. And I don't even care about either team. (Although, I needed Brady's points.) And then the Charger/Raiders closed it off with another great clash.

Football. Truly amazing. Some really quick specific thoughts. And in a show of solidarity with Paula Abdul over her shocking dismissal from American Idol, I will use her song titles.

• COLD HEARTED: I think Abdul might have been singing about Bill Belichick when she warbled, "He's a cold hearted snake. Look into his eyes." (Or she was singing about Simon Cowell and the producers.) I don't think that there is a person in the world that would have job security in New England. I don't care if Matt Light thwarted a terrorist attack that would have killed the state of Massachusetts. If Belichick thought he could get a draft pick and a ham sandwich for him, he would be shipped to Seattle or Arizona or Liverpool without a second thought. The rest of the team has to know this.
• OPPOSITES ATTRACT: "Take two steps forward, I'll take two steps back." You know the one thing that I hate hearing about? Moral victories. I read a bunch of articles today about how people "didn't lose as bad as they thought they would." Really? That's amazing. These are professional teams, people. They should never be happy with a loss. Let me tell you a little story about a college team. They used to play a bunch of big name teams every year. And every year they would play them close. It would be tied going in to the fourth quarter, stuff like that. And then every year they would lose. They lost to Georgia, Virginia Tech, Auburn, Nebraska, Texas, South Carolina, Miami, Florida State, Nevada, Mississippi. Every one of them were moral victories. And they all were losses. And that, my friends, is why UCF still sucks. Oakland, Buffalo, Detroit - you have just found a new way to lose. Get your acts together.
• STRAIGHT UP: "Is it gonna be you and me forever? Is it just a hit and run?" To the return of major college powers Michigan, Notre Dame, and Miami. This is a fact: college football is just better when certain teams are great. You can hate those teams with a passion (and chances are you do hate some of them). But the whole landscape is better. It is fun for a while when Boise State and Utah and Rutgers play spoiler. But, if you want truly classic games and amazing seasons, then certain teams MUST be good. Here are some of those teams: Michigan, Notre Dame, USC, Ohio State, Florida, Oklahoma, Texas, Alabama, Penn State, Miami. Those teams provide villains to root against. They give casual fans someone to cheer for. And, when those teams are great, they provide a level of game that can only be matched by the NFL. Michigan vs Notre Dame - two teams who have been down for a little while. It just isn't natural for them to be out of it. And while I personally hate Notre Dame with the passion of a thousand suns, I will watch them play. And that game was worth watching.
• FOREVER YOUR GIRL: I took my daughter to a Jaguars preseason game. Obviously, she didn't give a crap about the game. Her biggest concern was getting ice cream. The Jags scored on the first play from scrimmage. Everyone was going nuts. She was like, "I don't know why everyone is cheering, but this is awesome." Her next big excitement was getting the giant foam claw. But her absolute favorite part of the game was watching the cheerleaders. Sigh. As a rule, I try to avoid looking at the cheerleaders. Why? Well, it looks like they forgot to get dressed. And the one thing I make a point to be doing something else during is their dance between the first and second quarters. My daughter, on the other hand, thought that the dance was just awesome. She thought they all looked so pretty. The security guard down at the tunnel stood up right when the dance was about to start. I asked him to move so she could see. I'm sitting there going, "Hey look at that one with the long red hair. Isn't her hair pretty?" I know I'm getting my butt kicked when I get home. My daughter wants to look just like them and learn their dance. Heeeeeeck, no, sweetie. Heck no.
• RUSH, RUSH: Have you noticed that the shelf life on an average NFL running back is about eight years now? Look back over the last few years and see the shattered carcasses littering the NFL landscape: Shaun Alexander, Priest Holmes, Jamal Lewis, Fred Taylor, LaDanian Tomlinson, Larry Johnson, Deuce McAllister, Edgerrin James. All of them had (or are having) a noticeable dropoff right around year eight. This is something that Bill Simmons has pointed out a bunch. What does that mean? Adrian Peterson fans, the countdown is on. Win it now, dude.
• PROMISE OF A NEW DAY: A lot of times technology actually makes our lives worse. Shoot, look at how easy it is to do a blog. Now you have to put up with me. But when it comes to football, technology is really making things awesome. And I'm not just talking about Jerry Jones' IMAX theater at Cowboys Stadium. I'm talking about NFL Network in HD, NFL Red Zone on DirectTV and Comcast, ESPN 360 online. These things mean that you can watch tons of games. NFL Network, for example, shows replays of games during the week. I loved it during preseason - you could just sit there and watch games all the time. And ESPN 360 allows you to watch between eight and eighteen games each week on your computer. I have been able to watch UF and USF each week - even though they were playing the Boy Scouts of America All Stars. The next thing will be when those web-enabled televisions start hitting the market big time. You can watch ESPN 360 just like it was a channel on your telly. Sweeeeeet.
• SPINNING AROUND: This song was written for Paula Abdul by her and the chick who basically replaced her last year on American Idol. But it never happened, and instead Kylie Minogue recorded it and it was a huge hit for her. Seems kind of bass ackwards. And that is exactly what will be happening on Saturday. That is when football fans off all teams will be rooting for UF. I would guess that even most FSU and UGA fans will be doing the Gator chomp. What could bring this about? Well, just like evil masterminds can cause squabbling groups to unify, Lane Kiffin is doing the same thing. I have not seen someone so loathed by so many sports fans in a loooooong time. Bill Laimbeer? Maybe. I mean, this guy is so arrogant. And for what? Because his dad was somebody before he got Alzheimers? He is such a turd that even Al Davis felt it necessary to call him a liar. Wow. I hate UF just as bad as anyone. I grew up a UGA fan. I live in Tallahassee. I am a Gator hater. (Sure, this year I just have a sick fascination with how badly they can maim people.) But I will be rooting for the orange and blue. I know Kiffin is thinking it took UTenn years to fire Phil Fulmer after he forgot how to coach. But they did it, and they might have liked it. I hope the massacre is so bad that Kiffin gets fired at halftime.

SFL RECAP

• FERRETS over CONSEQUENCES - It came down to Monday night. Brady vs. Gates. Ferrets had to come from 15 behind after Sunday. And for the first three quarters of the Pats game, it looked bad. But then the Bills adopted their brand new "Colander Defensive Scheme." And that was that. Gates couldn't generate 16 points, so the victory went to The Commish.
• MONKEY over GATORS GREATS - It just wasn't meant to be for our defending champ. The Gators put up the lowest total of any team this past week, while Monkey had the 2nd most - thanks in part to Tony Romo's huge day against the Tampa Bay Bucs Practice Squad.
• DA BUS over BAD COUNSEL - Um, it was a close game. It wasn't a good game. Both teams had the first game jitters, with no player on either team generating 20 points. Someone had to win. It was Da Bus by a bumper.
• STICKBOY over STEELAS - Adrian Peterson was absolutely out of his mind on Sunday, generating 42 points. With that kind of player on your team, you are going to be in the game every week. What? The Steelas lost? What the heck... Oh, they started a guy who hasn't signed yet. Good move. And Stickboy got 36 FREAKING POINTS from his Philly defense. Let's see him do THAT again.
• TALLY NOLES over TAMPA BAY RAMS - Drew Brees was absolutely out of his mind on Sunday, generating 45.9 points. With that kind of player on your team, you are going to be in the game every week. What? The Rams lost? What the heck... Oh, they had three players get less than three points. Yeah, that will do it. Especially with a solid performance by the Noles, who already are in the running for Comeback Team of the Year!

SFL PREVIEW

• We'll already be down to three unbeaten teams after this week, since Stickboy and Da Bus and Tally Noles and Monkey square off. The 1972 Dolphins are that much closer to emerging from their dens to squawk and shake their canes and the dang kids on their lawn.
• Miami fans Ugly Consequences and Bad Counsel go to the same church. But this week, they will be disunified and fighting. (Oh, wait. That sounds like church.) Also, don't their names sound like they should go together? If you take Bad Counsel, you will have Ugly Consequences. Or if you give Bad Counsel, you will have Ugly Consequences.
• Over the years, the Gator Greats and Bloodthirsty Ferrets have had some great battles. And they have been in big games - playoffs, last year's final. Plus there are so many layers to the battle. Gator lover vs Gator hater. Master vs Apprentice. Triathlete vs Lazy Turd. PC vs Mac. Look forward to a good battle.
• The two biggest scoring players are featured in our last matchup. Steelas will put Adrian Peterson up against Tampa Bay Rams' Drew Brees. With those two canceling each other out, the rest of the lineup will be the difference. I would say this game is a pick'em. Unless Michael Crabtree signs with the 49ers by Sunday. Then I would say Steelas by 1.

Well, I hope you enjoy the new format. Feel free to comment on the post. And don't forget to make your changes by the deadline on Sunday.

Season Eight - Preseason

It seems like so long ago when Gator Greats killed Oviedo Knights' change for a repeat championship. So much has changed in the past nine months. A new President took office. The Steelers took another title. Brett Favre took a knee. The President spent lots of money on old cars. The Yankees spent lots of money on a new ballpark. Brett Favre spent lots of nights "changing his mind." The President pretended to be a health care expert. The Magic pretended to be a championship team. Brett Favre pretended to be a permanent retiree. And finally, the President antagonized parents. Lane Kiffin antagonized fans everywhere. And Brett Favre antagonized Packers. It was a busy stretch.

But now we can get down to the important stuff. Of course, I mean FOOTBALL. Pro, college, prep, and fantasy. In the words of the Christmas classic, "Up on the sidewalk, Stallworth drives. From his path pedestrians dive. If he hits one, that's okay. He'll just go to prison for 24 days. Ho ho ho, what do you know? Ho ho ho, what do you know-oh? If you play football, this is how its done. Kill a person, don't shoot yourself with a gun!" Wait, that's not right. I meant, "It's the most wonderful time of the year." So what do we have to look forward this year? Here is the always hotly anticipated and usually not quite satisfying Staples Football League Preview!!!

EIGHT YEARS! That's right. We have lasted EIGHT YEARS! If we were a running back, we would be getting axed this summer. If we were a car, we would be dying this year. If we were a President we would be finished after this year. With all of these foreboding messages, you would think that our league was doomed. But, while that always is a possibility due to the unrelenting ineptitude of the commissioner, this year could be the best ever? Pshaw, you may reply. But look at the facts. Last year was one of the most surprising ever. This year we have returned to our roster of ten teams - with some new blood filling in some holes. (That sounds gross - like a Twilight line or something.) And we already have had more controversy in the PRESEASON of our leagues than we ever had. It dwarfed even the Monkey hate filled rant of 2004 and the Devin Hester fiasco of 2007. And, as we all know, controversy breeds interest. So, let's take a look at the participants - in order of finish from last year.

GATOR GREATS

2008 FINISH: First

OWNER: Dr. Eddie Gilley

HOMEBASE: Gainesville, FL

ALUMNUS OF: Samford University, Southern Baptist Seminary, New Orleans Seminary

FAVORITE TEAMS: Gators, Gators, Gators

THE SKINNY: Eddie is the Director of the Gainesville Baptist Collegiate Ministries, as well as part of the media team for the University of Florida Gators. He is a huge sports fan - and proud of it. He has two kids - one is a college graduate and married. This makes him old.

HOW HE KNOWS COMMISH STAPLES: Eddie was the Commish's boss and mentor at USF in Tampa. They did unmeasurable harm to numerous buffets on the West Coast of Florida.

TRIVIA: Eddie has competed in numerous Sprint Triathlons - and finished.

BLOODTHIRSTY FERRETS (formerly Oviedo Knights)

2008 FINISH: Second

OWNER: Rev. David Staples

HOMEBASE: Tallahasse, FL

ALUMNUS OF: UCF

FAVORITE TEAMS: Knights, Jaguars, Magic

THE SKINNY: David runs Defender Ministries. And he is the stay at home dad of three wonderful kids while his wife attends FSU's Med School. He sees this as investment in the family's future - especially since he was doing nothing to secure that future. ha ha.

HOW HE KNOWS COMMISH STAPLES: David Staples is THE COMMISH - now on A&E on Fridays at 9pm.

TRIVIA: David has a birthmark that looks like a rabbit. Well, it used to look like a rabbit. Now it looks like a swollen rabbit that ate another rabbit whole.

MONKEY

2008 FINISH: Third

OWNER: Josh Ellis

HOMEBASE: Knoxville, TN

ALUMNUS OF: UCF

FAVORITE TEAMS: Knights, Gators

THE SKINNY: Josh recently moved from Oviedo to Knoxville where he is a State Farm agents. He loves sports and music. He has two lovely kids.

HOW HE KNOWS COMMISH STAPLES: Josh went to FBC Oviedo with the Commish, and his wife Michele worked with him. His dad also worked with him.

TRIVIA: Josh has been to Brazil, Germany, and England on mission trips.

TAMPA BAY RAMS

2008 FINISH: Fourth

OWNER: Ryan Marlatt

HOMEBASE: Tampa, FL

ALUMNUS OF: USF

FAVORITE TEAMS: Da Bulls, Bucs, Rays, Lightning

THE SKINNY: Ryan (aka Rhino, Noah, Marlatt) lives in Tampa. Last time the Commish checked, Ryan was heading into the psychology field. He loves all things related to Tampa sports.

HOW HE KNOWS COMMISH STAPLES: Ryan was one of The Commish's college students in Tampa at FBC Temple Terrace.

TRIVIA: Ryan finished last, tied for last, or second to last every year of the SFL - until last year's Arizona Cardinals like rise where he actually went to the playoffs.

STICKBOY (formerly Ferret's Nightmare, Benji's Bulldogs, Monkey's Nightmare)

2008 FINISH: Fifth

OWNER: Benji Stultz

HOMEBASE: Apopka, FL

ALUMNUS OF: USF, Stetson

FAVORITE TEAMS: Da Bulls, Bucs

THE SKINNY: Benji is the father of three future heartbreaking girls. He also is a counselor that specializes in working with "really screwed up people" - like teenaged sex offenders. You do NOT want to swap jobs with him for a day.

HOW HE KNOWS COMMISH STAPLES: Benji was a student at USF while The Commish worked there. He also has helped out with Defender Ministries stuff.

TRIVIA: Benji loves chocolate like a menstruating woman. He also went to Australia with The Commish and Eddie, and somehow did not get arrested.

UGLY CONSEQUENCES (formerly Koios)

2008 FINISH: Seventh (our sixth place team chose not to return)

OWNER: Matthew Sharp

HOMEBASE: Oviedo, FL

ALUMNUS OF: UCF

FAVORITE TEAMS: Hurricanes, Dolphins, Braves, Knights

THE SKINNY: Matt is the father of two cute kids. He is a mass communication major. And he knows more about sports than anyone the Commish knows. He is the one guy you never want to argue with sports about. He is always right, and he will argue with you until you realize it.

HOW HE KNOWS COMMISH STAPLES: Matt has known The Commish since August of 1979 when they were in Kindergarten together. They also roomed together in college. And he has pictures of The Commish with socks that apparently were so tall they met the bottom of his little shorts.

TRIVIA: Matt took a class on the History of Baseball in college - and said it was one of the harder classes he had.

TALLY NOLES

2008 FINISH: Eighth - Naked Butt Last (in the words of sprinter Dennis Mitchell)

OWNER: Greg Ramer

HOMEBASE: Tallahassee, FL

ALUMNUS OF: FSU

FAVORITE TEAMS: Noles, Bucs, Braves

THE SKINNY: Greg is not married. (Just saying) He works at the Department of Health or something certifying doctors or something. He loves huntin, fishin, campin, and other gerunds that you can leave the g off of.

HOW HE KNOWS COMMISH STAPLES: Greg was one of The Commish's students at USF. They roomed together for a year. And now they live in the same city. Greg eats dinner with The Commish, Mrs. Commish, and the Commishettes frequently.

TRIVIA: Greg is an avid photographer and very good at it. RamerPhotography.com.

BADCOUNSEL

2008 FINISH: N/A - First year of existence

OWNER: Rev. Randy Gillis

HOMEBASE: Oviedo, FL

ALUMNUS OF: UCF, Southwestern Seminary

FAVORITE TEAMS: Knights, Gators, Dolphins

THE SKINNY: Randy is the father of three girls and a boy. He is freaking brilliant - an ordained minister, worship leader, and computer programmer.

HOW HE KNOWS COMMISH STAPLES: Randy and The Commish were college ministers at the same time and ran into each other at conferences. They also served on church staff together at Waypoint Church.

TRIVIA: Randy still owns and wears his Cross Seekers shirt. (some of you will be impressed)

DA BUS

2008 FINISH: N/A - First year of existence

OWNER: Jason Mills

HOMEBASE: Altamonte Springs, FL

ALUMNUS OF: International Community School - attending UF in Spring

FAVORITE TEAMS: Gators, Magic, Bucs

THE SKINNY: Jason won just about every award offered to seniors at ICS. He owns a bus washing company. Yes, he owns a company. He's 18. Any of you own a company?

HOW HE KNOWS COMMISH STAPLES: The Commish taught Bible at ICS last year and Jason suffered through that class.

TRIVIA: Jason loves Lord of the Rings and Star Wars - like a lot.

STEELAS

2008 FINISH: N/A - First year of existence

OWNER: Robbie Alderman

HOMEBASE: Orlando, FL

ALUMNUS OF: ICS - attending SCC - going to Liberty soon

FAVORITE TEAMS: Noles, Magic

THE SKINNY: Robbie was captain of the basketball team at ICS, as well as one of the student worship leaders. And he had an awesome beard.

HOW HE KNOWS COMMISH STAPLES: Robbie's brother had The Commish at ICS for Bible. And Robbie's mom works at ICS. Robbie was fortunate to have the least interaction with The Commish of any team owner.

TRIVIA: Robbie loves U2 - smart for a young guy. His brother is a Canes' fan - so game day should be fun.

So that's the lineup. The games get going next week. I hope to have weekly newsletters. Yeah, yeah. I know I say that every year. But this year is different. How? I don't have a job. And being jobless means that I have no good reason to NOT write the newsletters. In some ways, that is the only thing I have to do all week. Well, aside from the homeschooling, cooking, cleaning, nursing, and playing games on Facebook. I hope that we all have a great year. I have great expectations. I have so little now, I hope the league is good. (sobbing) Just kidding. So go forth and set your virtual rosters, cheer on your virtual players, and use the new in-game stat tracker to see how you are doing - even though there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO AT THAT POINT BUT WATCH YOUR TEAM GET DESTROYED. Let's play some football!!!