A Humble Beginnings
The Staples Football League began back in August of 2002. It was the dream of one man - David Staples. The year prior, Staples found himself playing fantasy football for the very first time on some pathetic public Yahoo! league. Staples won his league, which got him thinking. "Huh, that wasn't very hard. I could start my own league and invite my handful of friends to play." So the following fall, he did just that. he invited his small collection of people still talking to him to join his league. Most of them said no. But five intrepid souls replied, "Yeah, I guess." These team owners were Eddie Gilley (Gator Greats), Ryan Marlatt (Tampa Bay Rams), Greg Ramer (Queen City Noles), Benji Stultz (Stickboy), and Chip Creviston (Bandits Deux). With just six teams, Staples had his league. And following in the footsteps of other egomaniacs like Donald Trump and Walt Disney, Staples hung his own name on his creation. Thus was born the Staples Football League. Since that year, the SFL has changed much. Nineteen different owners have participated. Many people changed the name of their teams multiple times, making it very difficult to remember just who the owner was. But that core group of six remained - except for one.
The Exile of a Bandit
After expanding to eight teams in 2003, the SFL was poised to make a giant leap in Year Three. Assuming all eight teams would be returning, Staples made big plans to expand the league to ten or twelve teams in 2004. His newly enlarged pool of acquaintances caused him to believe that he could generate more owners. It was a classic misstep, almost as grievous as the NHL expanding to Columbus and Atlanta. Instead of the league growing, only five teams showed up. What was worse, founding member Creviston committed the unforgivable sin and did not check his email - despite working with Staples and seeing him every day. After waiting as long as possible, Staples was forced to take desperate measures. He recruited a ringer and semi-professional fantasy football player - Josh Ellis (Monkey) - to take the last spot. This forever changed the SFL. The loss of an original team unearthed a nasty streak in the league commissioner. He refused to ever invite Creviston again, despite pleas from the Bandit. And Monkey's arrival came with much uproar. Ellis took to the message board and ripped into his new league mates. He mocked their draft and demanded to be awarded the title outright. He offered to just take the title before the season and allow a redraft. (He stumbled to a 6-8 season, but did indeed win the title.) The dirty secret behind it all was that Staples had told Ellis to cause the trouble as part of his invitation - just another example of The Commish's increasingly erratic behavior. Staples himself offered up a ridiculous 4-10 last place finish.
Fluctuations
For the next few years, the SFL was almost always in flux. They would see teams come and go, but it never dropped below eight teams again. People would sign up for a year or two and then quietly drift away - not responding to emails and joining Creviston in SFL banishment. Staples proved himself a cruel commissioner. He created ridiculous rules, like not allowing anyone to sign people on the waiver wire for several days after the draft and stripping violators of free agents. He also began an annual habit of mimicking the Indianapolis Colts by running up gaudy regular season records and then tanking in the playoffs. It also saw the arrival of Matt Sharp (Odious Repercussions), who was always good for a jab or two, usually through his team name. You could basically tell where The Commish was spending most of his time by looking at who joined the league. One year, the league was peppered with people from First Baptist Oviedo's college ministry. The next it was students at International Community School. Through this time of upheaval, the core group of players remained. The most painful short-timer was in the person of Brad Crawford - owner of the 5 Star Drawbacks. He won the championship is his first year in 2007. But he tanked the next year and soon felt the pain of banishment. He is the only champion to leave the SFL.
Stability
For the last two years, the SFL has experienced a relatively stable existence. There has been a very strong core of nine teams that will be playing together for the third straight year. This stability has had a positive effect on Commissioner Staples and the league. Staples started a blog for the league. There has not been very many ugly draft/waiver related issues. There has been a good distribution of teams in the playoffs. And rating are at a record high. Nothing has showed the positive growth in our bizarre league leader than in the negotiations for the current anniversary season. Instead of being small minded and petty as is his typical lot, Staples actually extended invitations to several formerly banished teams. As a result, the league has swelled to its highest level ever - twelve teams. Every team from last year returned. And two former teams - Creviston's Bandits and Allen Turner's Urban Plunge - have brought back into the fold from their Siberian exile. It is shaping up to be a great year. Let's look at the teams.
2011-2012 SFL Lineup
Team: Gator Greats
Team Owner: Dr. Eddie Gilley
2010-2011 Record and Rank: 9-5, 1st Place
Years Participated: 10th Year
About the Owner: Dr. Gilley is the BCM Director for Gainesville, Florida
How Long He's Known the Commish: 15 years
Owner's Unfortunate Tie to The Commish: Dr. Gilley was Staples' boss for two years in Tampa when Staples first entered the ministry and gained fame and notoriety by starting BCMs at area campuses and then killing them within a year.
Favorite Sports Teams: Florida Gators, Tampa Bay Bucs
Random Trivia That May or May Not Be True: Eddie and his son, Kevin, are both strong ping pong players. In 2008, they were part of a special tournament staged at UF's O'Connell Center between amateur players and a team of Chinese professional players. The Gilleys lost in a heartbreaker in the opening round, 11-0. At one point, everyone thought Kevin may get a point with a drop shot. But Chinese superstar Xi Liang leapt horizontally over the table and tapped the ball back over the net with his patented "drop dead dumpling drop shot."Team: Stickboy
Team Owner: Benji Stultz
2010-2011 Record and Rank: 8-6, 2nd Place
Years Participated: 10th Year
About the Owner: Benji is a mental health counselor.
How Long He's Known the Commish: 15 yearsOwner's Unfortunate Tie to The Commish: Benji was a student at the USF BCM and started school the same time Staples started working there.
Favorite Sports Teams: USF Bulls, Tampa Bay Bucs
Random Trivia That May or May Not Be True: While in Australia, Benji and The Commish were fortunate to take part in the sacred circumcision rites for a flock of Wooly Booloos. These majestic animals are only found along Australia's Gold Coast and are valued for their luxurious wool. But they are almost extinct. Their remaining numbers are closely protected by aboriginal people - known as the Wooly Boolers.
Team: Bloodthirsty Ferrets
Team Owner: David Staples - The Commish
2010-2011 Record & Rank: 12-2, 3rd Place
Years Participated: 10th Year
About the Owner: David Staples IS The Commish, now available on DVD from ABC Video
How Long He's Known the Commish: 37 years (20 years metaphysically)
How Long He's Known the Commish: 37 years (20 years metaphysically)
Owner's Unfortunate Tie to The Commish: The Owner IS The Commish, also available on Netflix
Favorite Sports Teams: UCF Knights, Jacksonville Jaguars
Random Trivia That May or May Not Be True: While working at the Apple Store, David worked with Joey Fatone from N'Sync and helped him purchase a cable that would allow him to watch videos from his phone on his high-def TV. He also helped former Orlando Magic player Keith Bogans purchase a new iPhone. He was not there the day Steve Carrell came in and bought his parents a computer. But he did get to tell approximately 21,763 Brazilians that they were not allowed to purchase an iPhone due to contract limitations with AT&T. "Lo siento. Estados Unidos solamente. Dos anos contracto con AT&T." He considered getting that printed on a t-shirt.Team: Odious Repercussions
Team Owner: Matt Sharp
2010-2011 Record and Rank: 10-4, 4th Place
Years Participated: 5th Year
About the Owner: Matt Sharp works in the printing and copying industry.
How Long He's Known the Commish: 32 yearsOwner's Unfortunate Tie to The Commish: Matt Sharp has known The Commish since Kindergarten. They roomed together in college and attended BCM together, although it was a different combination of letters then.
Favorite Sports Teams: Miami Dolphins, Miami Hurricanes, Miami Penal League, Miami Area Agents, UCF Knights
Random Trivia That May or May Not Be True: Matt and The Commish both competed throughout their elementary and high school years in something called "Academic Games." Students from schools across Palm Beach County would get together and battle in games like Equations, Variations, Linguistics, Propaganda, and US Presidents. The teams all had elaborate entrances and chants. These warriors also had a special name. They were called nerds.
Team: Orlando Blunder
Team Owner: Randy Gillis (not God)
2010-2011 Record and Rank: 5-9, 5th Place
Years Participated: 3rd Year
About the Owner: Randy is a big wig computer programmer and bossy pants person at Top Tech Systems.
How Long He's Known the Commish: 13 yearsOwner's Unfortunate Tie to The Commish: Randy was a college minister in Gainesville when The Commish was a college minister in Tampa. They also served on church staff together at Odyssey/Waypoint/LifePointe Church.
Favorite Sports Teams: Miami Dolphins, Florida Gators, UCF Knights
Random Trivia That May or May Not Be True: Randy's company creates software that helps run gas station pumps. In times of emergency, Randy will be forced to hop on a plane to travel to distant lands to fix these pumps. He has been called to such places as Calgary, Hawaii, and California. He also was once called to Iceland. The entire country was at a virtual standstill in 2009 thanks to a software glitch that took out all the pumps in one swoop. Randy was escorted through the streets of Reykjavik, littered with abandoned cars, and was met with cheering crowds as he approached the Ministry of Petrol building. Calmly he bent down and plugged the system back in and flew back home.
Team: Tampa Bay Rams
Team Owner: Ryan Marlatt
2010-2011 Record and Rank: 6-8, 6th Place
Years Participated: 10th Year
About the Owner: Ryan works in the book industry.
How Long He's Known the Commish: 15 years Owner's Unfortunate Tie to The Commish: Ryan was a student at the USF BCM and at FBC Temple Terrace when The Commish was conducting his reign of terror in Tampa.
Favorite Sports Teams: USF Bulls, Tampa Bay Bucs
Random Trivia That May or May Not Be True: One day while working at Lifeway Christian Store, Ryan had the pleasure to work with a nice old woman from down the street. She was buying some greeting cards to send to her Sunday School class. The cards were on sale. At the checkout, the woman was trying to decide whether or not to buy some Testamints. Ryan talked her into it. She said they were tasty.
Team: Mean Green
Team Owner: David Tarkingston
2010-2011 Record and Rank: 7-7, 7th Place
Years Participated: 2nd Year
About the Owner: David Tarkington is the Senior Pastor of FBC Orange Park.
How Long He's Known the Commish: 13 years Owner's Unfortunate Tie to The Commish: David was a youth pastor when The Commish was in college ministry. They worked together on several convention and association projects. And Tarkington was kind enough to send a young lady down to Tampa to go to school - who became Mrs. Commish (soon to be Dr. Mrs. Commish).
Favorite Sports Teams: North Texas Mean Green, Jacksonville Jaguars,
Random Trivia That May or May Not Be True: David has come up with a new way to increase baptisms in the Southern Baptist Convention. His plan was so well received in the state offices that they are putting it into immediate effect. This Spring Break, teams will be traveling to the many beach destinations. They will break into squads of three. One will be armed with a paintball gun, one with a Super Soaker, one with a Bible and portable printer. The first will randomly shoot people in the forehead with red paintballs. The second will then spray them in the face with water. The third will yell loudly "I baptize you in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit." He then will print out a baptism certificate and hand it to the person. David's new nickname in the Convention is "Water Gun Preacher."
Team: Da Bus
Team Owner: Jason Mills
2010-2011 Record and Rank: 7-7, 8th place
Years Participated: 3rd Year
About the Owner: Jason is a student at the University of Florida
How Long He's Known the Commish: 4 yearsOwner's Unfortunate Tie to The Commish: Jason was a student in The Commish's Bible class during his short stint as a teacher at ICS
Favorite Sports Teams: Florida Gators
Random Trivia That May or May Not Be True: Jason is a massive fan of Star Wars. He has even gone so far as to memorize the entire original trilogy (cause the prequel is CRAP! - according to Jason). But, taking that one step further, Jason has also memorized the famous cantina scene in Episode IV in NINE languages - including Wookie. Jason has his midichlorian count monitored annually.
Team: Monkey
Team Owner: Josh Ellis
2010-2011 Record and Rank: 3-11, 9th Place
Years Participated: 8th Year
About the Owner: Josh Ellis is a State Farm insurance Agent in Knoxville, TN.
How Long He's Known the Commish: 9 years
Owner's Unfortunate Tie to The Commish: Josh's dad worked with The Commish at FBC Oviedo. His wife also worked there with The Commish. Josh played in the orchestra with Mrs. Commish. Through these many connections, Josh and The Commish actually met and conversed.
Favorite Sports Teams: Florida Gators, Miami Dolphins, UCF Knights
Random Trivia That May or May Not Be True: Josh is a big time Gator fan. He lives in Knoxville, TN. And he refuses to allow Rocky Top to get to him. He has worn a Gator shirt every Saturday since he moved there. He frequently will drive by sports bars in the city and scream insults at Tennessee fans as they prepare to watch games. He burns a UT flag after every home game. Last year, though, his heart was broken as his young son came home with an orange T painted on his face after a local carnival. Pinned to the boy's shirt was a note that said, "We don't have to stop you, Gator Fan. We'll win your son over."
Team: Queen City Noles
Team Owner: Greg Ramer
2010-2011 Record and Rank: 3-11, 10th Place
Years Participated: 10th Year
About the Owner: Greg Ramer works for the State of Florida Medical Licensing Office. He also is attending Reformed Theological Seminary.
How Long He's Known the Commish: 15 years
Owner's Unfortunate Tie to The Commish: Greg was a student at FBC Temple Terrace while The Commish was the college minister there. They also roomed together. Then they dined together frequently in Tallahassee during The Commish's two years in the North Florida wilderness.
Favorite Sports Teams: FSU Seminoles, Tampa Bay Bucs
Random Trivia That May or May Not Be True: Greg is a huge UFC/MMA fan. He actually has begun the process of trying to become a MMA fighter. He's been working out and training with famed Florida MMA trainer Eduardo "Edward" Ramirez-Goldberg. Last Saturday, Greg participated in his first bout at "Open Octagon Nite" at Tallahassee night spot Nolez Nitez. He lasted 1:16, until his opponent, Bubba Ray Brown, used his dreaded submission hold - The Chestnut Mangler - and Ramer tapped out.
Team: Rabid Beagle Bandito
Team Owner: Chip Creviston
2010-2011 Record and Rank: N/A
Years Participated: 3rd Year
About the Owner: Chip is a Respiratory Sales Consultant at Cardinal Health, whatever the heck that means.
How Long He's Known the Commish: 17 years
Owner's Unfortunate Tie to The Commish: Chip was a student in the UCF BCM/BSM/BCU/BSU/GLBSU with The Commish. They also worked together at FBC Oviedo.
Favorite Sports Teams: UCF Knights, San Francisco 49ers, Jacksonville Jaguars
Random Trivia That May or May Not Be True: Chip is a new father.
Team: Urban Plunge
Team Owner: Allen Turner
2010-2011 Record and Rank: N/A
Years Participated: 3rd Year
About the Owner: Allen Turner is an environmental engineer that has provided the Commish countless hours of laughter as he details his work with "solid waste" systems.
How Long He's Known the Commish: 17 yearsOwner's Unfortunate Tie to The Commish: Allen and The Commish were students together at UCF and were in BCM together. They also roomed together and spent many hours making other people's lives miserable.
Favorite Sports Teams: UCF Knights, Tampa Bay Bucs
Random Trivia That May or May Not Be True: Allen once had to work at a sewage treatment plant at a nudist colony outside of Tampa. They were very strict, so all of the residents and staff had to be completely naked at all times - even during meetings with outside contractors. They rarely brought in outside help to deal with any problems, due to privacy issues. And most vendors refused to deal with the nudists. But Allen's company agreed to help - and even went so far as to say their workers would also be nude during the work. Allen said the job wasn't too difficult and they even bent the rules and let him wear his tool belt.
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