Ordinarily, we would be prepping for the kickoff of the NFL season today - full of excitement and desperate yearning. However, the NFL now stretches things out more than a Southern Baptist church with a capital stewardship campaign. Technically, the season kicked off on Wednesday (?) this year. So we are caught in this limbo between the actual start of the season and the perceived start of the season. It almost feels like Wednesday was the last preseason game - and it almost looked like it. Dallas seemed to think they gained yards for false starts. And the Giants looked like they were hung over from last February. But what everyone is really excited for is, naturally...
THE START OF THE STAPLES FOOTBALL LEAGUE: SEASON ELEVEN!!!
That's right. The SFL has launched its eleventh season. And with it, there came some big changes. After all, we are not going to rest on our laurels. In fact, we aren't completely sure we HAVE laurels - or what laurels are. We are going to keep on refining and improving and being the best we can be. For those of you who haven't been paying attention, here are some of the major changes in the SFL for the 2012-2013 season.
- KEEPERS!!! We have never had keepers in our league. But this year, we do! Everyone cheer and do a funky dance. The addition of keepers brought with it some much needed drama to an otherwise boring draft process. [Whatever happened to the uproar that characterized draft day and the opening of the waiver wire in the SFL? No controversy this year. Sigh.] People who didn't pay attention to the keeper process didn't understand how Rob Gronkowski slipped to the 14th round. Because HE'S A KEEPER!!! Keepers allow teams to keep extremely valuable players, like Drew Brees. Except for the fact that the team that HAD Drew Brees didn't opt to label him a Keeper. (More on this later.) This is the biggest change this year.
- ADDITION BY SUBTRACTION - The SFL is back down to ten teams this year. The league leadership realized it is better when there are just ten teams. So we contracted two teams. (This isn't true - two teams didn't sign back up.) Gone are Da Bus and Bandito. Let's face it, though. No one really cares if those guys play or not. They were both wankers.
- EFFICIENT COMMUNICATION - For the first time in the history of the SFL, a team owner actually asked to get fewer announcements. Hooray!!! No one can say the teams in the SFL are uninformed about league decisions. Every major announcement was posted on Facebook, emailed out, posted in the Commissioner's Note, AND on the Message Board. Take that.
Those are the biggest changes in the league this year. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. I know that what you are all really wanting right now is the annual team-by-team analysis. Well, since you insist. Let's start with the team that has everyone talking.
- TAMPA BAY RAMS - I have no idea. That is all I can say. Maybe team owner, Ryan Marlatt wants to finish last again. I cannot even begin to understand what happened with that team. I think he's tanking to try to get the first draft pick. There is no other explanation. I haven't heard from Ryan, so I don't know what happened. I assume that he would have said something if the computer had screwed him over that bad. So I have to guess it was on purpose. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go check the team roster. Truly incredible. Seven players that are not active. A backup quarterback starting. And he didn't label Drew Brees a Keeper. I guess that any games against this team will be an auto-win.
- BLOODTHIRSTY FERRETS - After finishing with his worst record ever, team owner David Staples rewarded his coach with a contract extension. Why? He's a UCF fan. Enough said. The team lineup is very shaky. It looks like another rebuilding year for the Ferrets.
- STICKBOY - Team owner, Benji Stultz, has already claimed victory for this season. Looking at his lineup, it is hard to argue with him. But that's why they play the virtual games, right? The quarterback position will either secure the title or kill this team. Vick and Rothellessbooger are both frequent flyers on the injury list.
- GATOR GREATS - This team could be a monster or a disappointment. Many of the players have the potential to be mammoth performers - or huge disasters. Example 1 - Victor Cruz. If Cruz plays like last year, then team owner, Eddie Gilley, will be happy. If he plays like Wednesday night, well, sadness will reign in Gainesville. This could also be applied to Reggie Bush, Vernon Davis, DeAngelo Williams, and others.
- ORLANDO BLUNDERED - What do you do with Peyton Manning? Millions of fantasy football players have asked this question this summer. This is one of the biggest question marks in the history of fantasy football. Will we see the Peyton Manning that singlehandedly propelled teams into the fantasy playoffs? Or will he be an anchor, dragging a team into Tampa Bay Rams territory? Team owner, Randy Gillis, is waiting to see. I have to say, though, that I like the Luck/Manning combo Blundered has going. Kind of poetic.
- BLUE RIDGE BOMBERS - The biggest beneficiary of Tampa Bay Rams' team destroying approach is team owner, Greg Ramer. He lucked into Drew Brees and has an insane receiver corps. I think that this team has sleeper potential written all over it. Maybe the move to North Carolina and massive weight loss has helped Ramer become a better fantasy football owner as well. (Major props to Greg for his weight loss success! He is dang sexy now.)
- MEAN GREEN - Another sleeper team is owned by David Tarkington. Having Aaron Rodgers surely doesn't hurt. Having RGIII as a backup is a nice touch. I have a feeling Griffin will be a big points producer in our league - kind of like Cam Newton. A lot will ride on how Maurice Jones-Drew does and how often Tarkington is stuck playing Beanie Wells. I mean, the guy's name is Beanie.
- URBAN PLUNGE - The Peyton Manning conundrum continues. If Manning is a huge success, then having Eric Decker is a great move. If Manning sucks, Decker will be riding the waiver wire. Another big question is how New England and Tom Brady will fare this year. Brady has always been a huge points producer. I don't see that changing this year, but you never know. Also the Chris Johnson situation will warrant watching. Will he be the pre-extension running back or the fat slob from last year?
- MONKEY - Team owner, Josh Ellis, is staring Kevin Smith. That alone should demonstrate how shaky this team could be. I mean, I am the biggest UCF homer out there. [I don't care what Eddie Gilley says. I think we can take Ohio State.] But even I wouldn't start Kevin Smith. I blame all of this on the fact that Ellis lives in Knoxville. That messes with a person's head.
- 8/25/12 1 SEC PAST 2 - The winner for the dumbest team name ever is team owner, Matt Sharp. For those of you who haven't figured this out yet, here is what happens. Matt waits until I send out my annual "don't cheat an try to get around the waiver wire opening" email. He finds my threatening phrase and turns it into his team name. Last year it was Duly Warned. The year before it was Dire Consequences. This year, though, he opted for this instead of the much superior Zero Dark Thirty. As far as his team goes, there are as many question marks on this roster as Gator Greats. Those teams are very similar. They could make a run for the title or flame out in magnificent fashion.
And now for another new first. I am going to predict the finish for our league. Why? Because I can.
- Blue Ridge Bombers
- Stickboy
- Gator Greats
- 8/25/12 1 Sec Past 2
- Mean Green
- Urban Plunge
- Orlando Blundered
- Monkey
- Bloodthirsty Ferrets
- rock bottom
- 50 feet of crap
- Tampa Bay Rams
As always, don't count on this blog lasting too far into the season. I will make a valiant effort. But I know myself too well. So until next time (which may be next year), let's play some football!
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